Clay County Girl

Vocational Advent

2008-12-13T07:39:00.000-08:00

Days go by and most of my time is spent in steaming milk. I wear a headset on my head while answering “beep” after “beep” with: “Good morning and welcome to Starbucks. This is Monica. How can I help you?” People completely underestimate the complexity of this job. You’ve got the 27,000 options of drink choices. You’ve got the computer. You’ve got the marking of the cups. You’ve got the taking and receiving of money. Most of my transactions last about 20 – 50 seconds. Add this up, and you have one fun filled day of doing this routine approximately 400 times. More if “snow” is in the forecast. Don’t even get me started on the frappacinos – which lately have been renamed “crapaccinos.” (It was a mispronunciation the other morning by a colleague of mine. I had no idea at the time how fitting it was to my true, deep, feelings concerning blended, frozen drinks.)
Every morning, there is still this ONE lady that refuses to acknowledge my presence. She refuses to give me the dignity and respect I deserve as a human being. Instead, she prefers to snarl at me while talking on her phone pretending that I somehow didn’t get a freaking coffee of the day brewed right. She even pulls about two feet away from the window so that I must literally climb halfway out the window to reach her with her cup. Which untucks my shirt and causes me 10 more seconds of readjustment. Which shaves 10 seconds off my 30 minute goal of completing over 35+ transactions. What infuriates me more is that she has NO idea how much I hate doing what I do every day. She thinks I enjoy taking her crap. As if I am in a position to which I must take her shit.
Well. I am. Seven months later, I can’t get a job that pays enough for me to even consider setting up shop. I’m starting to think my nice journey of the nomadic life has now come to bite me in the ass. No, I’m not lost. I’ve quit wandering. I’m now stationed in the corner of a building where most people enjoy my company and I theirs. One guy even tracked down the jeep owner that had “The Dude Abides” on the bumper. That day was a good one. Now we make Lebowski references most mornings. NO ONE around us even gets what we are talking about. Classic. So Dude. But most people are genuine with their inquiries about my future. Except that ONE lady, of course.
I think I reached the point of exhaustion about two weeks ago. The daily inquiries were killing me. I wanted to make a t-shirt that said: “Dude. Seriously. When I know – you will know.” One customer a few weeks ago said, “So Monica. Is this it?” Meaning that Starbucks was going to be the conclusion of one of the greatest journeys of my life. I shook my head and almost cried. I looked up and asked him to say a prayer. Then he replied, “Well, in my opinion, God never gets in a hurry about anything.” I could not agree more.
The highlight of next week is on Wednesday. There is a Muppet holiday special on NBC. I can only think of one person who is more excited than me. Mere. Ma-na-ma-na. Then I get to preach again on Sunday – which is always a treat. I’ve decided that Advent is somehow taking on a deeper notion within me this year. This birthing process is painful. Waiting is…well, it just sucks. Many a promising poet has penned the beauty of waiting. Many have penned the woes as well. For too many reasons I feel it applies explicably to my present life situation. I am waiting to be born – into what I am convinced I am called to do. Merton would tell me I am already doing it. I don’t like him right now.
This week I really started to question if I have been a complete idiot for the last three years. Had misguided committees. I questioned if ministry was something I wanted to do – and not what God wants me to do. It seems odd really. That in waiting to be born, I have stopped living. Stopped hoping for moments at a time.
Then I put in my ipod and play Cath…by Deathcab. Or listen to McCartney wail “Maybe I’m Amazed.” Hear Radiohead jam out “All I Need.” I’m usually mixing mocha when this happens. Or doing dishes. Lately I have violated “policy” and defiantly left one ear plug in as I work the bar. I need it. Some IV/I chord will brighten me up. Some Major Major VII will surge me to revisit why I hope at all. For anything.
For those who are way over due for a phone call – I apologize. Those calls just bring up the obvious. I am not doing what I want to do. What I have endured to do. I suppose that there is some part of me that doesn’t want you to see the utter despair I wake up in most days. It’s ugly. I find no consolation in a silent God right now. Even if I am under her wing.
The good news is that there are a few promising things within sight. It’s not about being forsaken. It hasn’t been long enough to go there yet and I doubt I ever will. It’s about reminding myself to breathe. 1200 times a day. Kaci’s existential map has kept me grounded. And that’s okay for now. But on my knees, I cry, “Birth me Advent!” Can’t you feel me kicking to get out? Start the contractions already. Let the water break. This kid is ready to rightly cry as she gets spanked into a new world.

humbly walking...

2008-11-05T11:15:00.000-08:00

for a few weeks now, i have been on and off the net due to the limited amount of wifi ability available at my beloved mothers house...

i opened my email today to be surprised by the inbox message from the mission service recruitment people...i had written this option off about a month ago due to silence...it's funny, this entire summer i spent thinking about why i feel called to go overseas...in some senses, it has always been in my life...

about a month ago i decided that maybe i was wrong...this weird desire to do what hardly anyone else wants to do was just an artificial fascination...a misunderstood longing...and i decided that if they don't think i'm it - i have to trust the discernment of others regarding my future call...even if i disagree...

so today i have this dialect of optimism intertwined with hesitation...churches are looking at my stuff today...new contacts have come up...and i am on the verge of simple resignation to any ambition or direction...for the first time, i think the call really does "find you"...

and here i sit...wondering what this means...

...and we'll hold on to you...

2008-10-31T13:27:00.000-07:00

the last month has been a crazy time...i have travelled...i have slept on an assortment of aerobeds...i have grown to love fresh vegetables more than ever...

but more than anything, i have learned about being presbyterian...as i sit with yet another door closed, i reflect on what a beloved professor wrote to me a few weeks back...as i confessed my willingness to hold on to hope, he exclaimed back: "you hold on to hope...and we will hold on to you..."

and as he promised that you all indeed would hold on to me, i humbly say thanks...and i feel certain, when the tides turn and you are holding on to hope - i will hold on to you...

quote from the most beloved d.w. johnson

on the road again...texas style...

2008-10-24T05:26:00.001-07:00

well, it has been approximately four months since i left the falls to land in the west of wyoming...a lot has happened in four months...

favorite things:

IV teaching me to fly fish
spending the summer with whitney
weekly solo hikes in the shoshone
lava mountain lodge
lucy and derek
farmers market in denver
pretending i am a carpenter

unfavorite things:

i can't really think of any...

i am peacing out for the weekend...still don't know anything about the future...i'm gonna try and forget this weekend about anything that has to do with things i know nothing about :)

real-ness...

2008-10-21T08:07:00.000-07:00

as i watched the daily show last night, i realized that john's really ticked off self was telling the truth in so many ways..."real americans do THIS"...

for some time now, i have felt this same type of scenario erupting in the church..."real christians do THIS"...somehow, there has been this linking and equation shifting that essentially says this: "real american christians do THIS"...

today, i feel that this is a very, very dangerous equation to start putting up as the litmus test...progressive christians are often accused of not being patriotic...they are often labeled as "socialists"...i have even been accused of not "loving jesus as much as me" (quoted from another)...it's as if critical thinking or contextual critique to the traditional system is - lately the word communist has been used the most...for example: dr. king critiquing the social system of inequality...labeled a communist - labeled unpatriotic - and so on...then murdered...

IF truth of real-ness is assessed through the judgment of another, who happens to have the power to connect the dots?...wow... this seems to resemble other times in history where humanity was assessed and divided through the eyes of power...then punished for not fitting the equation...

i don't like this word REAL...it's very presumptuous...presumptuous in the sense that power dictates what REAL looks like...that kind of power scares me...

settle...

2008-10-18T23:00:00.000-07:00

i think even my passions are confused and possibly at odds with something i can't name right now...i have a serious longing to somehow run into that one in a billion (as annie dillard likes to call it) and talk for days on end over coffee, malbec, and steamed vegetables or lollipops - i don't really care right now...

see that's funny...i want to run into the one in a billion and i don't care at all whether it happens with lollipops or malbec...something is strangely afoot with my passions...sunny days and park benches seem nice...rainy days and porches sound nice too...lately there has been an extraordinary amount of days that are lived in waiting...i can't decide if waiting makes you dis-impassioned...or if it settles passion rightly...see my dilemma?

there are a few things i know that i feel passionate about: getting to a place where i can sleep in the same bed for at least one month - uninterrupted...the red sox winning game 7 tomorrow (and this is because i love derek a lot and his passion can easily be transferred to me - i have time to deal with it )...and not letting hope slip away from my present state...i didn't realize one must be passionate about not letting hope dissolve...

it's time to settle...and i need to settle good folks...i need to settle good - fast...as merton would pray - oh lord, come to my aid...

the american dream...

2008-10-16T10:02:00.000-07:00

over the last three weeks, i have cringed every time a presidential candidate suggested his economic plan guarantees you and i to "get back" the american dream...

wiping my butt with excess dollar bills was never my idea of the american dream...my dream never existed in a realm where i possessed millions of dollars and owned nine houses...

joe the plumber is stating that his american dream is not to share the wealth..."it's mine, all mine" he might say...so i am guessing the american dream is to help a citizen get as rich as they possibly can, hord all their possessions, remove the word "share" from the communal values of the country - because god forbid we help a neighbor out anymore...it's mine - all mine...the american dream...

i am ashamed that the american dream is cloaked with selfishness...i am ashamed that the american idea of "dream" is something that denies a basic philosophy of loving your neighbor as yourself...some people would tell me to shut the hell up - the bible has nothing to do with capitalism and non-distribution of wealth...i beg to differ...remember that small community in acts 2? economy was a BIG freakin deal to them...

i don't want to get back the american dream...partially because in about thirty years, we are going to be right back where we are today, trying to offer frustrated citizens a glimpse of how it used to be...

regarding money - i can't really recall any instructions by jesus to gather and hord...zaccheus had to pay it all back...matthew had to pay it all back...the rich young ruler had to sell it all...ananais and sapphira died because they withheld some of their capital...making money isn't the dream...giving it away is...

so what does a pastor say regarding the american dream? i would probably get stoned to death...

convictions...

2008-10-15T10:12:00.000-07:00

as of late, i have been mulling over how to get people to talk about their convictions...not in a dominating "we vs. them" kind of way...but a way in which one may discover why on earth the present convictions are so strong...

for instance - take into consideration my conviction that peanut butter on wheat is best experienced with these additions: onion - or smashed up lays potato chips...why? thank you for asking...

my first experience with peanut butter and onion was the summer of 1991...i was living in a state park, working as a missionary for the southern baptist church...i lived largely among retired folk who roamed the country in airstream trailers...all summer long nancy tried to get me to try it...i finally relented three days before i was to leave...it was sort of a giving in to her because she had been so supportive of me all summer long...(this was my way of paying her back - trying her lunatic preference of pb/o)...seriously, she was thrilled...

as i took the first bite, i am sure that you can imagine my disdain...it had never sounded good to me...those two combined together made me throw up a little bit in my throat when i thought about it...my natural prejudice - born from my preconceived convictions of the two tastes independently - could not sort out how someone might like this...until i experienced it...

i feel certain that calvin's experience of critiquing the catholic church was not because of some tradition that demanded he do so...he did not get a phrase like "infallibility" and scream it over and over again to the catholic church...he studied...he talked...he fought...he prayed...he fellowshipped...he wrote two institutes by the age of 28...he was busy trying to help us with interpreting convictions...more or less, the protestant break off was convinced of its liberties found in grace...the new hermeneutic...one that calvin used throughout much of his writings - because of his strong conviction - which was through his experience...

i know...postmodern thought is killing us isn't it?...it's because we are stuck using enlightenment language as we try to evaluate experience - which is hardly measurable according to a scale...it's easier to hold experience up to a law and measure it that way...unless your experience is negated by the law...

no one can convince me that pb and o is distasteful... it's according to monica...thank god there is no sola pbj statements out there...just as no one can tell me my convictions are not valid and vice versa...this "according to" needs to be reevaluated..."according to mark"..."according to calvin"..."according to whoever is sharing their conviction at the time"...why is this so hard?

i think it is hard mostly because convictions are often based on power...the majority...to be convinced of something against the majority is not fun...it is painful...it is disturbing...it sometimes isolates you...but if "according to" is really something, don't be afraid to walk humbly with it...explore why you are "convicted" about it...test it against the traditions...explore the traditions to see why they were convinced of their convictions...it's endless and tiring...

i'm tired right now because then there is the seperation of "according to conservatives" and "according to liberals" and we are right back at the beginning of not being able to discuss our convictions...the powers are equal in strength and no one is yielding...

i'm convicted about that right now...

i heart louisville...

2008-10-11T07:46:00.001-07:00

when ryan and mere picked me up, we drove around the city getting to the hotel...they took me to bardstown (where they live)...it was surreal to be with them in another city, another time - although their presence was as familiar to me as all those night behind currie...

the interview went well...the most feared question was "what does it mean to be presbyterian?" i had to confess, it is still being revealed to me...i grew up in the theology of independence of others...it is humbling to submit to a group of people...trust them to walk with you...praise or admonish you...not be able to make a decision without them or their own discerning...

i really had a good time...i can only hope they felt the same about me...i think i have to wait a little over a week to even find out what is up...it is possible there are other inteviews next week with other candidates...after something as good as yesterday, it's very, very hard to wait...the excitement is seeking a release...

the city is amazing...there are huge, gothic churches on EVERY corner of downtown...it's strange...they are all empty...

thanks to all of you who gave a shout out to me and remembered me all day long on friday...thanks be to God...for everything...

where in the world is...

2008-10-10T05:15:00.001-07:00

i can't figure out what time it is...i get confused as to whether or not we are EST or CST...i now realize i am an hour ahead of time....

hung out with the kemp-pappans last night...they are great! ryan just started his new position and mere is kickin it at the PCUSA center downtown...i didn't realize how much i miss everyone...and i have seen almost everyone from my posse this summer alone...except the jensens and i will see emily next sunday...it's strange...

going for the interview at 1:30...that's all i can say....

sweetest thing...

2008-10-08T06:03:00.000-07:00

so this is who i have spent the last five days with...she has a new sister/brother on the way any day now...the due date is past and i feel that i soon as i step on the plane to louisville, she/he will decide it's time to get out of the womb...

she's pretty funny - anne - and she is precisely the definition of strong-willed...it is agreed that if something should ever happen to her parents, she would come and belong to me...i am the adult version of strong-willed ...she is the two year old version...it doesn't look good...

but we love each other...i tried to get her to call me "jo-jo" from my middle name "joann"...kids can't say monica...it's virtually impossible to speak a coherent three syllable word at the age of 11months...so - i opted for a shorter, somewhat snazzy, goddaughter likeable name...which in the end, came out as "ju-ju"...which again, is tolerable...even sweet...

i have to leave her today...when i drove up on friday, she was waiting in the door jumping up and down screaming "juuuuuuu-juuuuuu"....it was the sweetest thing for a 37 year old woman with no children...i suppose these are things we never forget...especially for the strong-willed...

ps - i will tell all after friday...

weather change...

2008-10-04T07:50:00.000-07:00

is anyone else's face filled with snot? love the fall - hate the allergies...

nomadic update...

2008-10-02T11:14:00.000-07:00

so i have watched about two hours of CNN today...this is really not a usual part of the day - it just so happened that my sinuses are making my face run at a rate of one kleenex box per hour...

many of you have asked 'what up' with the future...the call...the next step...options...possibilities...etc...the only thing that i do know is that i am going to louisville, kentucky on the 9th of october to interview for a program assistant position that is grant funded...the position will help and assist with certain programs through the office of theology and worship and also the church re-formation branch...it is a highly organizational/public relations position - which i like...as each day passes, louisville seems to be a place that is strong - concerning the future...tons of people say "you'll just know" which i have a huge problem with because - do you know me? i don't just "know" about anything...i can't decide what to have for lunch unless there is a grilled cheese and soup available...maybe this time it will be different...

which makes watching CNN a little nerve racking...IF i move, and i want to try to buy a house - it looks like that is going to be akin to a camel going through the eye of a needle...it's funny to be at this juncture in your life only to have the economy restrict you...bring on the communal living :)

a week from now i will know a lot more than today...but i just wanted to share a little of the journey...

cupcake of christ - baked for you...

2008-09-30T19:27:00.000-07:00

i have no idea if you have ever stayed after communion and eaten the "left over" bread and wine - either by yourself or with others...i often reflect theologically about the "left over" bit...classically, we don't really believe in a "holiness" in the regular old bread and wine...this is why we have to utter some profound bit of words that aren't necessarily magic - but try to make us understand that the presence of christ is really there - through the spirit...i personally think this is a load of crap...if we don't get that christ is really present absent of words, then we have a whole other slew of problems we should be dealing with...like our lack of understanding "word"...

that was a crappy foreword to what i really want to talk about...i get frustrated sometimes that there are actually leftovers of bread and wine...in the world we live in, people should be ripping off huge chunks of bread and gulping down the wine with great shouts of acclamation "praise be to god" as cheeks are still full of bread and one drip of wine is trailing the left side of the mouth...

instead, there are half loaves of bread still there when it is all said and done with a large majority of wine still waiting to be drunk...this bothers me...and i am still trying to figure it out...

tonight joseph took me to the cupcake trailer...it was a little silver trailer - the kind that lines recreational parks all across america...they even had lights strung up all around it - strong white lights that defined the trailer with a unique color...there was even a small stand up menu with select cupcakes listed - chocolate with vanilla, vanilla with chocolate, etc...the real kicker is that they have cream cheese icing...seriously - it took me about two hours to get ready to eat it...

i had to let my dinner settle away and there had to be a little bit of time to reflect on it - prepare myself for this luscious, deep, dense, filling piece of cake...as i licked the cream cheese icing off the paper, my mind began to race at my craving tonight compared with the craving of eucharist this morning...both were not holy elements by any means...just ordinary things...but my desire to eat the cupcake trailer cupcake was more passionate than my desire to eat and drink of the body of christ...

it's hard to imagine "cupcake of christ - baked for you"....but i wonder if i would think about eucharist more? desire it more - long for it more...get it - more...i know, the bitterness is a part of the whole deal...it seems a bit paradoxical to drink the cup of suffering through a cupcake and possible chalice of milk...

but i sense that is what is going on lately...the willingness to drink the cup of suffering is only attempted if lured through some type of cupcake trailer...bright lights and small stand up menus...you order your own suffering according to your ability to handle it...

what is funny is that there would be no left over cupcake jesus...the bitterness of bread and wine is left to whoever decides to dive in later on...their only ordinary - right? i sort of have a hunch that if we truly drank the cup of suffering, we would tear off the biggest piece of bread and take a huge gulp of that bitter wine because of the nourishment and sustenance we know the real christ can and has promised to give through it all...no wonder we leave it there...we don't want it...we want the trailer with bright lights...

i feel certain i have not flushed this out yet entirely...but it's a good start...and for the record, the cupcake trailer makes some damn good cupcakes...

just exhale...

2008-09-30T07:38:00.001-07:00

i don't think i was prepared for coming back to texas...it turns out that many times no matter how much you think you are ready for it - you're really not...

i am trying to take it easy today...all the hype of concerts, reuniting, and big city have taken a toll on me...so today- i am exhaling...

vox...

2008-09-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

what i really want to do is to talk non-stop about the experience i had at an emergent church this morning...i have waited all summer to hear something challenging and theologically thought out from the pulpit...i was beginning to think that pastors have officially checked out theologically all around the world...just stringing some sentences together with a few jokes about football...today was finally the day that i heard good exegesis - good illustrations - good theology - good humor - proclamation in the sense that we were uncomfortable - it just kicked ass...

so as i read carol and pappan's stuff, i now know where the missing generation of people are...they are in store fronts...they are living in communal housing...they are living across the tracks on the other side of town...basically, they are giving the finger to mainline churches and going to "live" the gospel according to emerging theology...

but, i am tired...the sunshine has made me high- no wait, all the pot smoke from ACL had a little to do with it...and i am going to take a nap...and connect all the dots of things that have been brewing for a long, long time...

ps - ryan, nuni de is poised and ready to be the non-hierarchical version of the emergent church...i think i am coming to louisville anyway...maybe...i'll tell you in a week...

farewell haiku...

2008-09-25T06:32:00.000-07:00

the goodness of love
wrapped in friendship and lucy
it makes me thankful

carpentry is fun
sanding the plane is arduous
pleasant dreams are near

apricot puppy
smelly kisses and licking
good for the heart strings

airplanes connect us
rockies fading in the west
tears are streaming down

critical times...

2008-09-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

first - i think W has had some serious work done on his face...he really looks good...maybe its the relief of the end being in sight...or a nice chemical peel..

as i listened to tonight's national address, i had a couple of things brewing...1) i hate being threatened - which has been a white house tactic for years now 2) IF our elected president is correct in his predictions - is 7 billion dollars enough?

in derek's calculations, that is roughly $2300 for each citizen of the united states...so - i wonder if the government issued a $2300 check to each family - and in turn, each citizen had the right to either 1) give it back to the government with the stipulation it would NOT be given to big corporations or 2) sign your check over to big capitalist corporation that either has your money or does not - it would be interesting to see the outcome...i suppose this is what the rest of the week will be about...have you called your congressperson?

i try to imagine an america where there is no longer credit...now that would be something...halts on house buying, car buying, boob jobs - all kinds of things would cease...even education -which scares me the most...it means we will only be able to spend what we have...i would barely have been able to get a master's degree without some federal help...now i'm listening...

but...

W used the words "those people" tonight when he referred to those who are in trouble financially...and he said it again in regards to "those people" needing our help...it is clear that he is NOT in that category...but it makes me wonder who is? because of the differentiation of "those" in his language, how do we define who "those" are? right now it seems that the big companies are the "those"...but if he is right, and mayhem ensues -i think that the "those" will soon be you and me...and the 7 billion is gone...no more money to help us...and as an unemployed citizen, it scares the shit out of me...but it again reinforces that he will never be me...nor do i think he will ever be in a situation where he loses a house or is denied an education because of no more money...therefore, i agree - these are indeed critical times...

on the road...again...kerouac style...

2008-09-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

except i am not train-hopping to texas...now that would be true to the dharma bum style...i have too much crap that would prohibit me from jumping on the train...i might lose my greek text or something...

as i bid farewell to the rocky mountains, i have to admit - this has been an incredible season of goodness...the hospitality of friends - starting with aaron then on to derek - has been overwhelming...what people have given to me, whether it be housing, a meal, a laugh, river fishing - even a beer...it has been a string of memories and blessings that i will never forget...

i have learned that we never arrive...each day is a new thing that never gets us to a place of arrived-ness...i have quit expecting to arrive...instead i wake up wondering what breathing will lead me toward...so far today it has lead me to laundry, packing, and thankfulness...

so, farewell sweet mountains...hello sweet texas - see you in the morning...

the waiting...

2008-09-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

even as i prayed "satisfy me with your love oh lord," i wondered how i might enjoy it...it is too much for words...it is encompassing, haunting, exhilarating, and dangerous...this kind of love moves one to do things that are not necessarily normal...it puts a stirring in the stomach...

in two days and i am back in the hot-ness of texas...but along with the heat comes a boundless amount of friendship and love that has not been met with real presence in a while...this summer has been a somewhat nomadic journey...here, there, and then over here...i can't decide if it is something i am "doomed" toward or if it is something i am "bound" for...both i suppose - but it is a real dinger of surprise at every turn...

each day i wait patiently for an answer...as another day closes and i lay my head down to sleep, i close my eyes knowing the sun has waxed and waned without me getting any type of clue to the future...it isn't that i am worried...in fact, i have never enjoyed a waiting period more...it's just interesting to me that i can live satisfied each day with no knowledge or foresight to the future...which makes me wonder - how long can one live this way?

i suppose as long as i have to? the question is always "what are the prospects monica?" as i reply "i don't know" i can hear that twinge of anxiety on the other end of the phone...if i am not "doing" something, it is hard for others to realize that i am "being"...it is even hard for me sometimes to realize i am being - not doing...

ramble ramble ramble...i'm a fan of being...it's kind of dangerous...

asante, asante...

2008-09-22T07:31:00.000-07:00

one of my good friends from seminary is now a phd student at vanderbilt...he is studying ethics and society along with a myriad of other topics...he recently pointed me to a new project that he and his colleagues are working on to further a public discourse on race, religion, and society - from the african-american point of view...

the internet publication is called The Call and Response...as i read many articles posted last night, i became acutely aware of how much non-dialogue goes on among many of us regarding race and religion...asante was especially patient with my southern white self in seminary...he tolerated my elementary questions and persevered to bring me into a conversation that expanded and highlighted my own racism...my own misunderstandings...

what i am most proud of is that this man chose to include me in reading the struggles that are still prevalent in today's america regarding race...i encourage you to click and read...it may be a beginning for some...it may be a source of expertise for others...nevertheless, it is worth the journey to hear the voices of a new generation speaking to the church and society on issues that affect all of humanity...enjoy...

connected..we're all connected...

2008-09-21T22:24:00.001-07:00

okay...i crave for someone i know to watch LOST so i can talk about all the essential elements of the show and what it means...i know - what does it mean? it haunts me at all moments in time...

so i stumbled upon some crazy tool on facebook...i wanted to write on doug's wall and i typed in doug's name in the search box and apparently didn't put in his last name...to my surprise, 9,000 doug's came up and for the first 12 pages i had friends in common with them all...some of them i knew...many of them i did not...but it amazed me as i clicked on "mutual friends" i was astonished yet pompous in my confirmation of - we're all connected...

in LOST, each character was connected with at least one other character before they all landed on the island...tonight i realized that my friend mary is mutual friends with friends that i went to college with in undergrad...facebook is my technological version of LOST...all it takes is typing in a name to realize how small the world is...some of us were convinced of this prior to facebook...now we have a tool to make a philosophy tangible...

some part of me wanders how shallow this is...but part of me thinks this is freakin amazing...so i am lost in facebook...just for fun...

just hateful...

2008-09-21T14:12:00.000-07:00

i just read kristof's op-ed in the nytimes and i was a little thrown off by the anti-obama marketing ploys...as i perused several online shopping stores i was overwhelmed at the fierce hatred i saw displayed on purchase-able merchandise...

kristof told of one t-shirt that had an "O" with horns on top of it captioned with : the anti-christ...i am thinking to myself - really? is it that easy to become the anti-christ?

as i looked at everything from obama/marx, obamunism, che-obama, etc, i couldn't help but think - is that really what republicans think? religious republicans especially... any shift to socialism, communism, or any type of shared goods for all comes through a public vote in america theoretically- hence, democracy...the picture with obama with a turban on was probably the most offensive - to me...not only is it a hatred aimed at him - it is hatred centered toward the members of islam...thank god for freedom of speech...

it's funny to me that many religious people feel the anti-christ to be personifed as one, singular person...to me, anti (against) christ (christ) can easily be seen by those who proudly claim christianity as their religion...for example, by supporting shirts such as the one posted here... is this anti-christ(al)? - by means of hate, degradation, and dehumanization...to all mentioned above?

it's so frustrating...i shouldn't read the paper on sundays...i want to cry right now...every where i turn there are those in the church who are keeping the gays, the poor, the single, the liberal out...every article i read there is another "follower of christ" hating obama, the democrats, and muslims - all in an attempt to eradicate evil...i get so tired of being on the "evil" side...as of today i am going to embrace it...

current read...

2008-09-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

i naturally shy away from books that are largely endorsed by the religious right...as unfair as that may seem, i highly doubt that w. wink is on the top of the reading list for the religious right...however, i find it both necessary and intriguing to see what all the buzz is about...

so i started reading "the shack" yesterday...this summer at brooks, i met many clients who went on and on about how it challenged their perception of god...the more i questioned, i finally realized that it is basically about the portrayal of god as a big, black woman named papa that threw their worldview for a loop...

i am almost finished with the book - many times it was painful to keep reading - and at other times i appreciated the author's use of tillich, barth, and schleiermacher to theologically challenge the american "idol" of god...as i read the back cover, m.w. smith was quoted as saying something to the effect that this book was the most stimulating fictional read he has read in years...i had to think - seriously?

even though god is a big black woman, w. young still keeps her in the kitchen...jesus is, of course, a jewish man working in the back shop making woody things...and the spirit is an asian woman that both confronts and comforts the main character - mack...as i talked with derek about it, he saw papa in the kitchen as a source of nourishment...i, on the other hand found, it terrifyingly stereotypical and only reaffirming of white prejudices...not to mention that mack found jesus to be astoundingly "ugly"...instead of the smashing, muscular, intensely handsome white jesus that hangs on the wall in most american churches...

even though i found the trinity to human conversation sometimes excruciating, i did find young's portrayal of the economic trinity in flesh to be enlightening...he addresses hierarchy and the will to power and then accurately addresses the human longing for autonomy and individualism...which theologically, negates our willingness to embrace the "absolute dependence" schleiermacher so adamantly tries to school us on...

i don't know whether to think the gender shift is the most challenging aspect of this book for its overwhelmingly right readers - or the overt address to the need for power within our society...if a gender quandary is all the reader is left with - young's challenge to the system is lost...i will say that if the reader puts the book down and starts to challenge power and autonomy - the church might have revolution on its hands...which is strange...it would be difficult for me to imagine seeing women in the religious right fighting hierarchical power...but stranger things have occurred from the reading of literature...

if the same phenomenon occurs with this book as it did with lahaye's last series - then i would love to know the number of people who try to go to the shack (located in the northwest) in order to meet papa in hopes to see god for themselves...fiction people...remember, its fiction...

i imagine a discourse between god and humanity to be something like reading a james joyce novel...somewhat recognize-able yet overly mysterious...actually, the gospel parables are more than enough of a challenge to me...forget joyce...but i have to say, as a fictional read i am thankful for young's challenge to the manly idol of god the american church has created for itself...if we are lucky - it might be the source of a new beginning...

lost...

2008-09-19T07:20:00.001-07:00

i received another email today that confirmed my unmatchness for a particular church...i never quite know what to think...usually, ego hurts a little only because it's convinced it could have done exactly what they needed...then reason tries to calm the senses and precedes to give that crappy one line advice that goes in one ear and out the other...during reasons' quick stay experience comes along to remind you this is not the first time this has happened...

if this expansive moment can be enjoyed - it's only because i'm not frightened...now, i did think i could handle this particular parish...but i guess between them and the spirit - i was wrong...which does a number to the ego...

i have absolutely no idea what is next...and i am trying to enjoy it...

eyes on the prize...

2008-09-18T11:33:00.000-07:00

as i was running this morning, i looked up and saw the red light for "allison" in the far distance...this light is the end of my running trail...it is within my sight and i think - i see it - but if i only run toward it (to finish and finally quit sweating) - how many steps will have been taken that i didn't even notice? or even enjoy? if my whole being just wants to get to the end - what do i miss in the mean time?

this summer has been a fantastic time of contemplation...merton daily accompanies me and pleads with me to quit looking even to the evening of the same day...the expansiveness of each moment - there is this rich excitement that evolves when you quit ticking off the hours and start looking to moments for reflection...

there are all kinds of philosophies that accompany this...greenway tried to tell me that the more i want time - the more it becomes unattainable...the less i want more time - the more i get...it's a strange paradox...the problem is - i don't think a lot of people even want or don't' want time...millions of expansive moments are lost as we sit greedily gazing into the future...whether it be the night or the longing for eternity to hurry up and get here...which is funny in itself because for some reason, i am convinced we are presently in eternity...

this reminds me of i heart huckabees when the existential detectives were on the front porch of the open spaces office and they are arguing about who either doesn't or does have time for infinity...i agree with dustin hoffman - who doesn't have time for infinity?

as the church sits greedily glaring and waiting upon eternity to hurry up and get here, millions of expansive moments are being lost...the moments are spent in wars over who is in and who is out...from dehumanizing the oppressed or the petty struggle for power - expansive moments of life are wasted on what we think will be prominent when it finally gets here - the whole eternity thing...

expansive moments allow us to befriend, love, be hospitable - treasure all that is surrounding us...i'm not saying it's the magic elixir that cures everything...but i do think many kingdom-ish things could and do happen in the midst of expansive moments...

i am not sure yet how this works in systems...how can a system enjoy and operate in expansive moments? i know it is a practice...i know it is a part of being...if i could have one wish today, it would be that the prize we think is so far away would be revealed through an expansive moment...so as we greedily gaze for the "future" prize - we instead see that it is really already here...

the grind...

2008-09-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

as the future looms the present is strangely peaceful...my apprehentions about work, security, salary, housing - they all seem to be less important than the enjoyment of today...

granted, i have trolled positions in the west, overseas, and have even contemplated moving in with derek indefinitely...nothing seems too far-fetched at this juncture...only when i look around at my collegues do i start to wonder if there will be some sense of identity with what they are doing as to what i may or may not be doing...working for whatever it is i am called to do - let's just say it seems to be hiding beneath some surface i cannot permeate...

lots of people have advice on this...too many of us in the clergy are looking at a system that favors us yet favors more what it sees as to be fitting...and rightly so...i wonder sometimes what it is that one day breaks the favor mold and propels us into the system...mutuality? common need? a friend of mine, a good and well rounded pastor, ended up going overseas to serve the church of scotland because of the endless toil and labor of never finding a common need between he and a church here in the states...lots of people would say "it was destined"...he probably would as well...he has a strange and curious way of patience...

in a week i will head back to the lone star state...i will arrive no less acquainted with my future than before i left three months ago...musings here and there have peaked my interest for service...the question is - have i peaked theirs? i often debate whether a piece of paper is an adequate indicator of service ability...i suppose i will soon see...

other than that - i have a bed to stain and a dog to entertain...i spent the morning reading christian century and the economist...i enjoyed the yirgacheff with glee...i have made a few more inquiries concerning the future...it is less with anxiety and more with intrigue...and that is today's grind in a nutshell...

feminist icon?

2008-09-16T11:54:00.000-07:00

so derek received the economist in the mail today...as i glanced at it knowing i would read it tonight, my eyes saw the very top splash of magazine insides and it read: palin feminist icon
read here

i think i sat there stumped for a few minutes wondering how the author of this article could call palin an ICON?

i had to go and run two miles just to process how this author could use the word feminist for palin - as if she is a member of the club...now granted, i grew up believing that feminist was a dirty word...palin is just the kind of woman the men i grew up with would want me to emulate...i grew up in a society where women were always beneath men and highly respected for behaving this way...eventually the shroud came undone...to move out of that sort of mind frame was difficult...i still have aunts and uncles that think i am going to hell for being an ordained minister...

back to palin...let's see...derek has a great theory on why she is the vp nominee...he thinks that if obama would have picked hillary - then there is no way in hell mccain would have chosen palin...it sucks that we had to make the first move - and we played it safe...the thing is - how can a strategical pick (palin) be an iconic issue? don't you have to do something first? be something first? you can't be an icon to something you don't believe in...or can you?

the title of the article is "the triumph of feminism"...i personally see no triumph in this...how can someone who offers nothing but posting a position be iconic to the liberation from patriarchy? what is sad is that on saturday night live - amy p. did a great job of summing up what feminism did to hillary...THAT is an icon...i'm not saying she is a saint - but seriously? if progressive women aren't going to shatter the ceiling - god forbid people think that palin is doing it? she is not shattering anything that a group of men didn't shatter for the sake of the party...it has nothing to do with women or women's rights or women's equality...it's all about the strategy...how can that be a freakin' triumph?

so i think she is a strategic icon* - but a feminist icon? hell no...

*termed only because i believe she was chosen out of a desperate strategy...

timing...

2008-09-16T07:47:00.000-07:00

when i want to write - i'm usually in the car...in this case, trapped for seven hours with nothing to do but talk to myself...radio out...mind in a frenzy...last night i talked to someone who talks to themselves as well...outloud...it made me feel better...

it's really funny when i give myself advice...yesterday, the crux of the one-sided conversation rested on my ego...i literally said out loud - "the problem is that you're ego can't handle the fact that he doesn't want you...or that he won't address it directly..." i have to say, i felt much better...not only was it a strange scenario, but it was really good advice...

i finally stuck an earpiece in my ear and listened to the pod for a while...i investigated j. timberlake a little more...in my opinion, he is an incredible, incredible musician...i think the lyrics to "damn girl" could have been a bit more expansive and inclusive - but i love "what goes around"....i decided that i liked that advice as well...

update...

2008-09-14T12:35:00.000-07:00

so, i was driving most of yesterday and i only had the radio on for a short while because i was in the middle of nowhere most of the drive...the fair and balanced report of the hurricane damage was given and i only have a few things to say:

1- price gouging does not count as an oil crisis
2- i am very sorry for all those who lost life...and for those who lost things that were important to them
3- to the one reader - i don't know if i should apologize for the hike in prices for a couple of reasons...but i am very sad for those who were taken advantage of during this time...

i am sitting in the wilderness again and it feels good...it mostly feels like home...which is interesting to me because i have no idea how one can wander for 36 years and suddenly realize that geography matters...i think kathleen norris talks about spiritual geography...maybe it is something akin to this particular situation...atmospheric pressure - wind velocity - altitude - visual stimulation - it all matters... :) i wonder if realtors would use any of this in describing a new development ;)

i feel random today...in some senses the last few months have been an alternate universe...one day you understand and are convinced you know what is going on...then, unoblivious to another reality circling around your perceived reality lies another universe...poof...they collide...then it all becomes one strange and wacky interfaced situation that ejects you from a time warp...or a perceived time warp rather...

there is something interesting about the encounter...whatever you were feeling in the personal perceived universe becomes altered...changed...dismantled is probably the best word...which makes for - in my case - a nice liberation from self-deceit...

constant form of terrorism....

2008-09-12T08:21:00.000-07:00

as i watch CNN for the first time this week (i have boycotted all this week for several reasons) - i realized that since the first terroristic act this country endured, it has not awaken to realize that if the government/media can keep the american people in a constant state of anxiety and fear - then we will watch them, do what they say, and let our rights be violated for the sake of "safety"...

CNN has a weird way of predicting the future with hurricanes...everything from how strong the storm will become (which has never been as strong as they say) or to gas prices exploding to $5.50 by the weekend (which if if does i will apologize to the two of you who will read this)....

i think i am so frustrated by the bombardment of terror...i am even more frustrated that americans are oblivious...

the best news yet on democracy...from late night...

2008-09-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

i think craig has said what i have been trying to say in 8 minutes and 45 seconds...

click here...i promise, you won't be disappointed...my favorite quote is this:

"Are we so lost we have to be sold our own democratic right!?" craig ferguson, late night....

morningness...

2008-09-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

i awoke at 4:45 this morning...i always wonder if there is some element happening some place else in the world i need to be aware of...so i started sifting through people, crises, the need for peace - all things of the things that might wake you up at the crack of dawn...

so i wrote a haiku about coffee...then i wrote a cover letter to a PNC for some church in colorado...then i wondered what it would be like to live in peru for three years...all of these things combined made me sleepy again - only to go back to bed and have those tremendous nightmares that happen somewhere in between being awake and trying to get some more sleep...

if you try to describe these dreams - they are always broken and distorted in real time language...only the time of your dreams make sense...kind of like LOST...(by the way, i am so mad they won't air again until 2009)...

unknown babies cared for by my grandmother, drowning kittens, broken down and taken over jeep by some kids at a random place in wyoming, me scratching a girls face to find out who they were - then a pleading and verbal retort that woke me up - "i just want to go home..."

i've discovered home is right where you are...granted i have had to struggle to figure out a forwarding address for the future...but besides the postal system - i don't have any real need to "hang my hat..." i find this both odd and yet confirmation-al that i resound and thrive in the nomadic life...new places, new people, new food, new atmosphere, new everything...except my being...it is the same - which makes all the newness "home"...

also annie dillard uses words i have to look up...she used a priori a word i learned last year...which may have triggered my desire to put this all together in language...

i don't know anything about tomorrow...not even about the rest of today...above running and playing the guitar, i only know i am going to enjoy sunshine...like john denver - it makes me high...

so maybe the sunshine woke me up wanting to get me high...maybe the dreams have some meaning for real time...maybe i just couldn't wait to dive into the new yirgacheff...who knows...

satisfy
me
lord

with
your
love
in
this
morning

i
will
live
with
praise

...

rhetoric...

2008-09-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

as the days hurry on toward november, i find myself investigating the language of the nominees for president..

one side is pushing for mutuality...the other side is pushing for us to fear...i have lost so much faith in the american people that i am not sure that mutuality is a good push...i have my doubts that when it comes to raising taxes for the betterment of ALL people there will be a backlash from those who are fiscally conservative...

i am not sure that making us fear is any better...it's a form of terrorism itself to make the public fear what could happen...it is mind control, crowd control, and it sets up a scenario that makes only those who function on the threat of fear seem capable of being the best to handle it...remember giuliani's speech? it does not even matter what he said prior to his 9/11 remarks...the entire room erupted, rallied, unified over his words...

so i see a battle of ideology - mutuality vs. fear...you know where i stand...even though i fear the rallying of the american people to consider the best for EVERYONE, i still think it is the better choice over the ideology of fear...

signs...

2008-09-04T19:14:00.000-07:00

what exactly does the point and thumbs up with a smile signify? especially since it is to at least 25,000 people?

tagged from ryan...

2008-09-04T07:29:00.000-07:00

The Questions // Presbymeme II

1. What is your favorite faith-based hymn, song or chorus.
i would have to say today - O For A Thousand Tongues - i long for the day my desire could be self-described as praising God in this way...i have a secret love for wesley's hymns...

2. What was the context, content and/or topic of the last sermon that truly touched, convicted, inspired, challenged, comforted and/or otherwise moved you?
david johnson's sermon on satan...i had just come back from africa and the superstitious was fresh in my mind...

3. If you could have all Presbyterians read just one of your previous posts, what would it be and why?
i am not really a good writer...i just like to vomit my feelings out on a site that serves as my everyday editorial to life...i like the latest - new deep...only because it's fresh...

4. What are three PC(USA) flavored blogs you read on a regular basis?
it takes time to read three blogs a day...fetteredheart, tribalchurch, and mere's latest - hymnsandneedles are my current reads...

5. If the PC(USA) were a movie, what would it be and why?
the breakfast club strikes a chord...principal bender (the status quo) is struggling to deal with the diversity of the prom queen (marge carpenter), the jock (emergent presbyterians), the geek (cradle presbyterians who can't even make a lamp turn on), the freak (diversified presby's who sit and watch the status quo and everyone else with the contentment of being who they are), and judd nelson (those who stand up for convictions based on experience)...it makes for a great situations...i even say promise...

i am supposed to tag five other people...but i am too tired...

definitions...

2008-09-04T06:18:00.000-07:00

MAVERICK: (n). - One that refuses to abide by the dictates of or resists adherence to a group; a dissenter

(adj). - Being independent in thought and action or exhibiting such independence

he will see us to victory...

2008-09-03T19:18:00.000-07:00

my blood pressure is up...and i have never watched the RNC like i have today...giuliani is speaking now and has assured the american people that john mccain will lead us to victory over the islamic terrorist...what does that mean? the annihilation of all islamic terrorist in order to claim "victory?" i would like to hear how this plays out...

the word "experience"...

2008-09-03T07:42:00.000-07:00

i just spent a blog's worth of time talking about experience...apparently the buzz word of both political parties is - experience...

let's face it...neither candidate has the experience of being president...i feel as if the real question is about the experience of the american people...does the american public have the experience of understanding who is better for serving as president? over the last sixteen years we have only known the experience of two families...many of us - including myself - have become numb to wanting to understand the tactics of who ends up being on either side of the ballot...

"these tough times" are ringing through the networks as words that define a circumstance which disqualifies those with "little to no experience"...are "mavericks" better than "youth"? when neither have presidential experience - is it merely buzz words that play on the american people in order to help them understand who is the better candidate? do these words create an experience that woos the voter to one side or the other despite a previous political alliance?

instead of wondering if "they" are "ready" - maybe the american public should ask - "are we ready?" in some sense we don't have a choice...an election will happen regardless...but more than what the president will do, i feel as if americans should ask themselves "what are we going to do?" because in a democracy, doesn't the will of the people steer the president? not "their" experience?

new deep...

2008-08-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

i love john m...i have probably listened to "new deep" a thousand times...i have come to realize that is how it is with language...until you experience the word/s of the author - it's hard to connect...you can appreciate it or even admire it - like shakespeare - but until you are juliet, or some other character that seems illusive...it takes the experience to bring you to a new deep...

merton has been my companion of contemplation this summer...lately he has forced me to see what is life...he says that all the ordering, smoothing, hacking, competing - this is all a form of death...life on the other hand is the negation of all these things we as a society strive towards...the unexpected is mostly met with a determination to order...the uncontrollable is encountered with a will that is taught to control...the bumpy and possibly disdainful occurrences of life are to be fought with the power of taming...for merton there is no life in this way...it is death...

but a "rational" argument supposes that mind over matter is the answer...i would have to say - i am not sure anymore...if i create death in order to suppress conflict or uneasiness then life is not being lived...kata merton...there are arguments that only would rely on what one "can" do...but i am slowly starting to see that situations are too large for me...i have "deathed" many things...because "living" hurts...

in the stillness of the past few days new things have been born...i find myself living contrary and even against what is considered to be the norm...it is interesting i use the word - living...i am convinced that it takes courage to "live" according to what merton says is life...it is awkward and mostly - not how we do things here in the american way of life...the american way of life seems to thrive on orderedness, prettiness, control - a regular "we do this because EVERYONE does"...i don't think i have ever felt more alone...and the happier for it...

alanis thanked everything from Providence to India to disillusionment...she says that the moment she let go is the moment she got more than she could handle...and the moment she jumped up is the moment that she touched down...i confess - i have unabashedly bawled my eyes out - in this new deep...

brooks crew '08

2008-06-15T08:13:00.000-07:00

the wedded ones...

2008-06-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

these are just a few of the kemp-pappan pics that i love...

what i came home to...

2008-06-10T06:49:00.000-07:00

advice given...

2008-05-31T08:16:00.001-07:00

a few days before the ceremony of graduation, i had the chance to sit down with one of my favorite professors...as always, this professor says things to me that no one else says...i share of my hopes - and he negates them with reality...we talked of the shift in my sincerely idealistic worldview to my present ability to contemplate the reality of what truly is...

it's hard to take the reality side of life...my hopes soar the majority of time and i have lofty dreams of the future...with this being said, my professor knows this and sat quietly for a few moments...without flinching he uttered these words: "lower your expectations...significantly"...

i did not understand this at the time, but even a week later i understand the power of his advice...it is like biting into a cupcake only to discover it is filled with maggots...not what you expected - and definitely distasteful...

life has plenty of cupcakes...even ones that are not filled with maggots...but i wonder if i should always expect the maggots? then when the lush cream filling unexpectedly melts in my mouth, i revel in the serendipitous moment?

who knows...after the advice was given, i chuckled and said: "well, that was the sweetest thing i have ever heard"...today, maybe even yesterday - i know he was right...

2008-05-27T12:13:00.000-07:00

HAPPY GRADUATION!!!

i'm obsessed...

2008-05-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

once again...

2008-05-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

i've found that when given one free week to write two papers -
i didn't realize how much you can get done by just not having class...

out of africa

2008-05-13T13:02:00.000-07:00

these are some of my favs from africa...

good times

2008-05-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

so, here are a few of my favorite things...

sure...

2008-05-08T14:32:00.000-07:00

if you have ever seen 'i heart huckabees' - you know that jason s. (albert) is always responding with "sure..sure - sure..."

albert is the main character that is facing a series of coincidences that he believes to be something monumental in the scheme of life...he hires existential detectives to "solve" his case...while he is going through their philosophical quoibles and treatments that are pertinent to his case, there is one practice the detectives make albert do...

he has to get in a black body bag...as it is zipped up, albert is confronted with what is in his head...its called dismantling...all the frustrations, happiness, sadness its all there...i say all this to say that i am in serious need of dismantling...four times today i have entered the bag and unlike albert, who is getting knocked off by his enemies - i have taken the place of enemy...i am the aggressor...

i don't know why the last week of school people decide to say what they might have possibly been harboring for three years...things you once thought you understood are now - not making a lot of sense...this dismantling of the new situation - which is probably a manifestation of something old - will most likely consume my remaining days here at this institution...damn this is odd...i hate to think i am going to spend a majority of my time left here in an imaginary bag, dismantling so that i don't explode before the 25th...

oh well...sure...

oh yes - it is here...

2008-05-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

today i have finished some of the last classes of my seminary career...i find myself listening with intent so that i can glean any last bit of brilliance that might come out of a professors mouth...otherwise, i find myself with a list of to dos larger than time permits for ample completion...

senior preaching - CE - SPM - MLK - acronyms that require many hours of thinking and reflection...i am still freaked out it is coming to a close...

so my greatest hope is that the freak out won't affect the completion...blessings to all as we complete what needs are ahead of us...as i sit and stare at my room - it is going to be hard to take it all down and pack away the 9,000 books acquired in the past three years...

i truly love this place...

one week down...

2008-05-02T07:36:00.000-07:00

as the week has waned, the final week is waxing...i am excited yet anxious...deliberate in finishing work yet remorseful that these last assignments are it...relieved that the culmination of three years study is completed but depressed when i look at my room and all the crap i have to pack within the next two weeks...

note to self: send out announcements...

maybe the checklist will never go away...maybe the sheer reality that we live will always arouse a checklist day by day...it's just that this particular checklist seems monumental...final...in both good and bad ways...

terrorist watch list...

2008-05-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

this was my favorite headline today...even though it caused me grief...

"Mandela on Terrorist Watch list in U.S." read here

remember when MLK was often labeled a "communist?" it seems that anyone who fights for equality against the white majority suffers ridiculous categorizing...no amount of labeling or name calling to those in power has quite the same effect as labeling king or mandela...for instance, let's label bush a dumb-ass...or terrorist...

see, it's just not quite the same...he still retains his power and control (only god knows why) while mandela has to get an approved visa to visit this country...i was appalled when i read once that cheney voted against mandela's release...seriously? oh mandela is very dangerous...unites country...leads against oppression and domination...the only ones who perceive this is dangerous are those who stand to lose something - like power...

maybe it's this side of history that makes me cringe so much...i wonder if the nightly news will do a story on this...besides - what will amercians say anyway...

solitaire...

2008-04-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

i could be reading 400 more pages on MLK tonight...or i could continue my current obsession with solitaire...on the average day - like today - i might mull over a few ideas while alternatingly-stacking cards in their proper red/black sequence...it is numbing...but i am convinced it helps strengthen my critical thinking skills...

suppose: un-solitaire phases in my academic career have been slothful...unimaginative...lacking in depth...grades produced were not bad...but they were not in the magic (+) category...

consider: current solitaire phase...productive...clear and concise...extremely interdisciplinarian...creative...grades are good...

i've been thinking... just as the end draws nigh it seems that i have finally gotten the hang of how to make all the academic requirements happen...or, it is just a by-product of my current solitaire phase...either way, i should have 1) kept a constant solitaire phase steady for the last three years... or 2) convinced myself that the end is always today so that my production rate looks like a solitaire phase...

really, it's complicated... i should get back to the civil rights movement...

it's up again...

2008-04-28T15:05:00.001-07:00

after 5 days of an internet free existence, i basked in the baptism of another trek toward cyberspace entertainment today...there is one show that captured my intrigue before i came to this place back in the summer of 05...a group of surgeons were beginning their internship in a coastal city that holds the infamous needle...

even today i think of how this show unified my group of friends during our first year here in austin...every thursday we would gather around someone's television in anticipation of what would happen next in the world of medicine, love and relationships...chocolate chip cookies and milk - an actual MD on hand to verify the reality of certain injuries - laughter and time that somehow wove our friendships deeper...three years later we no longer gather to watch the show that brought us together...maybe we no longer need it...thursday nights around the television have morphed into something else...birthday celebrations - weddings - crown nights...time that is too precious to be preoccupied with other character's lives...our own lives are the subject of our gatherings now...

each time we meet it is as if a new episode is airing...episode 1 - mobile alabama is going to happen...episode 2 - summer camp and chaplain is a reality...episode 3 - louisville will have no idea what hit them come june...episode 4 - one year in edinbourough...episode 5 - denver has a nugget of goodness despite the wait...episode 6 - the one we leave in austin is held close to our hearts...episode 7 - parkland is perfect...episode 8 - the mountains of wyoming whisper to reveal the future...

it's funny how stories about relationships foster relationships...then as time passes our own relationships become the main story...it's monday...not many more episodes left...in the live music capital of the world...

39 days...

2008-04-16T19:53:00.000-07:00

40 days marks prominent journeys...the wilderness...lent...pentacost...pregnancy (with the extended 40 weeks )...advent...seasons are often marked by the ever fixed 40...

we are one day down into the last days of the final season...vocational calls are being solidified, nerves are unraveling, and nostalgia is at an all time high...how we live through the last 39 days could be incredible...it could also be terrifying...

tonight i was reminded about the things i want to do in the last 40 days...the thanks i want to make sure i say...the forgiveness of things done and said that need to be dealt with...celebrations that are yet to come...hikes that need to be taken...songs that need to be written...prayers that need to be offered...conversations that have started on the picnic table that need to be ended on the picnic table...pound cake and hungarian wine communion once again in the pouring down rain...

never have i felt the need to truly LIVE the these last 39 days...live with me...and may these days be a season of life that we always remember and treasure...

find it...

2008-02-22T07:47:00.000-08:00

last night, i watched the movie/musical "once"...i endorse a lot of things, but really if you can find a way to see it please do...i have never felt more compelled to see that life is art...i wondered at the meaning of 'once' in our lives...this morning, a good friend reminded me that each moment in life is a 'once'...each particular moment is a 'once'...today is a 'once'...i guess i am going to try and live it like that...see the art in all the 'once'- es in today...

freedom...i think...

2008-02-12T19:21:00.000-08:00

somewhere in the day to day struggle to understand the future, i cringe - mostly...nothing is the same yet everything is the same...the future looms at times with claws and highth - then it releases at times with a big exhalation and sigh...this is the tension i exist within...

a good friend told me of the apparent angst that permiates my presence...i acknowledged his statement with a resigned spirit...to admit his oberservation was not troubling - it was in fact freeing...i do not pretend to function without the day to day angst of meeting one person to the next...thier freedoms' and my freedoms' interacting....

this is a new place...this place of wanting to know the future...i have never wanted to know it like i do now...i literally heaved this morning as i thought about the prospect of - nothing...like all of this education amounting to what? nothing? i cannot believe this...maybe i will not believe this...and maybe this is a part of a new freedom...negating fear...or that if we do this "thing" it will naturally lead to the next "thing"...

sometimes the eye on the sparrow is a load of crap to me - even though i have been a witness to its truth...another friend today vocalized that the whole words of "god has the perfect plan for you" just wasn't enough...and i agree...and i found freedom in this...no matter how unorthodox it is...

anyone trying to get free from angst? or is it just me? can we feel freedom and angst together? somehow it is happening for me...a little at a time...another good friend likes to bathe me with poetry...she does this in an attempt to salve my broken and doubting heart...it is yet another means of momentary freedom in the midst of angst...god love her for this...

i love the future yet i hate the future...i love the promises yet i hate the promises...is this another part of freedom? the freedom to admit this?

most people get to this place of future a lot earlier than i have...i battle between envy and fulfillment...i told someone the other day that i have always been a nomad...not until now have i ever been concerned about the coming days...where is my nomadic self? come back...i knew freedom better when you were here...

maybe there is no freedom the way i want it...maybe there is...

nightmares...

2008-02-03T11:46:00.000-08:00

last night, i dreamed that Dees was a contemporary worship leader...i woke up screaming :)

jet lag and exegesis...

2008-01-29T19:23:00.000-08:00

i hate it when they ask you questions that you don't particularly want to answer on these ord exams...granted, working on revelation has kind of been fun...if fun can be equated to four days of encountering mounds of texts and their conclusions pertaining to a book that has either not come to fruition, is working on coming to fruition, or will come to fruition - soon? it's nuts...

indonesia was a complete blast...sickness still prevails at times from some random parasite i consumed through either water, not water boiled long enough, or from something i have yet to identify as the source...2 shots, a week worth of antibiotics and an ameoba fighter are still trying to liberate me from the questionable sickness...i pray for the hour of deliverance ;)

it's hard to believe february is here...all i am interested in is thursday morning when this last ord is turned in and liberation from diligent academia engagement draws to a close for a few days...i will try to post some cool pics soon...go to MFDees blog to see his slide show...they are great...

happy new year!!

wow, it's been a month?

2007-12-21T22:17:00.000-08:00

vh1 is quite possibly my favorite place to waste time...oh, and be nostalgic...i forget how powerful nirvana is... and how beautiful sinead o connor was...or how freaking old i am!!...my cue tonight was when the members of hanson were shown as married with children - dear jesus, what am i doing? :) definitely not mmm-bopping...

by this time next week, we will be looking at a new year...a great year to be sure...graduation, elections, and god willing - a job...i now only have momentary lapses of angst...opposed to days on end regarding the future...i have finally realized it does absolutely no good to fear it...remind me of this in about eight weeks...

somewhere in the rush of getting out of school, i think i forgot to wish everyone a merry christmas...i'm off to do some pondering this next week...mini-sabbatical type stuff...i will be thinking of you all and will look forward to the final season pt. 2...beginning the last week of january...after that awesome place called indonesia gets visited by yours truly :) i feel certain that if pappan makes it through customs with only a strip search, the trip will be one for the history books...cheers everyone...

good times...

2007-11-26T19:52:00.001-08:00

well, this was a good night...it was about- um- 8 weeks ago...but it was an excellent night...the last week of school is not in progress...yikes...i am waaaaaay behind...it's probably because of this night... :)

right...

2007-11-19T11:12:00.000-08:00

"i want want of these for christmas!..." mj hall

this was said at approximately 3:45am this morning in reference to something called guitar hero...seriously, the seminary needs to get one of these...it made my dream of playing lead guitar for lenny kravitz seem like something -obtainable...

at 5:15 am i met my mom in her living room as she was getting up...i had just come home...i suddenly felt as if i were some teenage boy who stayed up all night for the sake of getting the high score on frogger...except it was guitar hero...i could never do anything again if this were within 20 miles of my being...i'm still asking santa clause for one...i haven't had a christmas wish in a long, long time...

dangerous silence...

2007-11-13T17:30:00.000-08:00

i've been thinking on this for a long, long time...i wonder sometimes what the meaning is behind silence...in spirituality, silence is used to foster a place where our voices are quieted...hopefully...but in relationships i wonder if we use silence in a dangerous way...

for years i used silence as a form of protection from my father...i wasn't really sure what i felt about our relationship because i had been listening to lots of other voices... i had allowed their influence on me to skew my own opinion regarding the relationship and spent so many years just keeping up the silence out of fear...fear of what i don't know...

i can't imagine what that did to him...actually, i know what it did to him...as i ponder my own dangerous use of silence i have been forced to see that there is appropriate silence...and inappropriate silence...there is a power that is inflicted for whatever self-interest lies behind it and it is damaging...i wonder how much i damaged him...i wonder how many days he spent wondering what he did to deserve my silence...i wonder if one day he just decided to give it up and not accept my dangerous silence anymore...i hope so...

who knows...it's too late to figure it out...but in reflection, it has been a powerful place to realize that my mangagment of silence has been detrimental to say the least...it's one of those do unto others thing...i think i am willing to say that when silence goes too long it is dangerous...deadly even...where is the line between protection and danger? i've distorted this line several times lately...i wonder if i'll ever really learn...

mere would quote paul simon i think...

"Fools" said I, "You do not know Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach to you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence...

classics...

2007-11-07T06:42:00.000-08:00

"You gettee in," he added, motioning to me with his tomahawk, and throwing the clothes to one side. He really did this in not only a civil but a really kind and charitable way. I stood looking at him a moment. For all his tatooings he was on the whole a clean, comely looking cannibal. What's all this fuss I have been making about, though I to myself--- the man's a human being just as I am: he has just as much reason to fear me, as I have to be afraid of him. Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.
H. Melville, Moby Dick

i don't know why i think this is so funny, but i have reread this paragraph at least six times- laughing outloud every time...

i'm ready for a new day...

2007-10-31T18:12:00.000-07:00

i think i'm tired of saying, "it's been a shitty day..." it gets repulsive after about the thirteenth time...if my eyes are that transparent, then something's gotta give...

what is hysterical is that i live in an atmosphere of language permeated with hope and resurrection...tonight, a friend of mine just sat and asked me question after question- baiting me to unload...which is good, but it once again reinforced the problem...i need to get it out...all of it...

vomit, vomit, vomit...dry heave...vomit...rinse...

much better...

what to do...

2007-10-23T21:39:00.000-07:00

the reality of failure brings a sobriety that halts all current successes...as each hour passes, things i have never feared are slowing rearing up within my comfortable existence...there were a few moments today that i wanted to know what made me so uncomfortable about failure...i think it has to do with being thrown right back into other places in the past where failure was the demise of my sanity...

there are places within history that hold a particular feeling...i can hear air supply's "i'm all out of love..." and i can remember this road trip my grandmother took me on to new mexico in a red monte carlo...every radio station between the falls and alberquerque played the song every hour on the hour...i guess it is safe to assume that when failure comes along, even when it is not meant to be detrimental, it carries you- no- it throws you back into the particular place where you were basically suffocating from shame...

the pressure gets turned up the next time you attempt to overcome failure...take relationships for instance, doesn't failure in the past seemingly navigate the current situation? without any major intention, the past ends up dictating the present with pin pricks of pain to remind you of what once happened...

i wish i was tougher...for a lack of finding a better word at the present...i wish there was some way to not let failure be a chord that is constantly tying one situation to another...is there some particular room in the depths of the invisible soul that is for all the failure moments? and for however long you stay there, whatever is present gets drug into that room? i don't know...but i am looking for the shoot that functions as the escape route...i don't care how long of a drop it is...i just want to climb into it and get the hell out of that invisible space that i never really wanted to go to anyway...it's that thrown thing again...can you throw yourself out of it?

this sounds terribly depressing...and maybe it is...all the situations that have thrown me into that room have been powerful...what's funny is that there was no time limit or test that allowed me to recover...it was a part of living...healing...maybe that is what this is as well...living...healing...

i would like to say that through writing this it all looks better...quite frankly, it doesn't...how do you fight failure? how do you say to the invisible, put up your dukes? how do you fight the spirit? do you have to pull yourself by the proverbial bootstraps? work harder?

it's not fair to the reader for you to think this is all about ord results...it is sort of the catalyst, but i tend to evaluate everything when i happen upon situations such as these...failing a test has never been on my radar...but i have failed in relationships, duties, general living experiences...i just wonder how i got over it so that i can get over this? part of me wonders if i ever really did get over it...maybe we never do...we just keep trying...and when the chord connects again, we either eventually cut it- or we use it as a reminder that we move on...still connected...we bring the past with us, but we move on...

the big day...

2007-10-21T18:16:00.000-07:00

everyone is restless...i'm not sure if i am delusional with peace or if i am crazy cool...either way, it doesn't stop us from getting the news tomorrow about ord exams...

i remember last year, people sobbing and walking about in a daze...some were so shocked that it took 15 scotches to usher in reality...i feel torn...back in august i convinced myself that if i prepare for the worst possible outcome it just makes the news that much better if it isn't as bad as i have prepared for...call it pessimism in it's most positive form...

wyoming was great...it snowed 6 in the first night at camp...i slept in a tent that had a stove...i had good talks with hunters from georgia and new york...i met a mormon cowboy that was quite possibly the most handsome man i've ever met...i wrangled horses and fed them daily...i mended busted fences...i earned my keep, so to say...nestled about 8600 ft above the earth...where nothing but snow covered trees and firewood catch your attention...good stuff...

rest well all you out there with anxiety...i'll toast one- or two- um, maybe more to all the brave ord takers...regardless of your grade....

hermenuetics

2007-10-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

so today, bill told me that:

"you don't get to decide what is significant in your life..."

i cried...

fate, texas

2007-09-26T05:48:00.001-07:00

on my way to texarkana the other day, i passed through a town called fate...i don't know why i expected some place that would instantly illuminate me to the possibilities of the future...but i gave it a shot...from city limit to city limit i held my breath in hopes of some great insight i could only get from a place called fate...

alas, it did not work...i'm not really one of those people...i simply believe that the day IS what the day IS...so, as i drove through the second time, instead of expecting the great vision- i exhaled and wondered if people actually move there to gain insight...

for those of us outside those city limits, i feel safe in saying we all really want to know, right? isn't this why we wake up every day? besides the joys of morning coffee, what else happens that ensures us we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing?

last night, i watched again for the hundreth time, big moving to napa valley and leaving carrie behind...it doesn't matter how many times i watch this, i expect fate to take a turn somehow...delusional, i know...but i still think there is a part of me that hopes that time can take an unexpected turn - even if that moment has proven otherwise a series of time before...

maybe this is my hope in the new day...the baptism of another sunrise...that life is more than just fate...even when there is a sign saying that "this is the place"...it's october...i have never felt the call to be brave like i have this week...brave in the sense of accepting and believing in my call...it's time to put it out there...be brave and do what i want to do...be brave and seek out the things that invoke passion...be brave and live into the new day...the nuni de, baptism, all the things that make us new...in some sense, i could call it fate...

but i would vote to change the signpost to "intentioned, texas"...it makes me feel braver about what today means...

?????????????

2007-09-20T23:09:00.000-07:00

???????????????????????
???????????????????????
???????????????????????
???????????????????????

oh yeah, and ???????????

things that rock...

2007-09-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

There is a communion of more than our bodies when bread is broken and wine drunk.
M. F. K. Fisher

Sharing food with another human being is an intimate act that should not be indulged in lightly.
M.F.K Fisher

musical pain killer...

2007-09-10T08:16:00.000-07:00

the former post was inspired by NYTimes...

i just heard pebo bryson on the radio...the world is right again...

prisons purged of religious readings...

2007-09-10T07:42:00.000-07:00

in order to secure the nation from more terrorists cells being built, someone, somewhere had the great idea of purging prison libraries of all religious material...what's hysterical is this quote:

"It’s swatting a fly with a sledgehammer,” said Mark Earley, president of Prison Fellowship, a Christian group. “There’s no need to get rid of literally hundreds of thousands of books that are fine simply because you have a problem with an isolated book or piece of literature that presents extremism.”

now, i'm a christian...but let's get serious...the bible isn't a piece of literature that presents extremism? my friends, it's sad on monday morning to be so pissed off...

“Government does have a legitimate interest to screen out things that tend to incite violence in prisons,” Mr. Laycock said. “But once they say, ‘We’re going to pick 150 good books for your religion, and that’s all you get,’ the criteria has become more than just inciting violence. They’re picking out what is accessible religious teaching for prisoners, and the government can’t do that without a compelling justification. Here the justification is, the government is too busy to look at all the books, so they’re going to make their own preferred list to save a little time, a little money.”

i wouldn't even call it too busy to look at books...i can think of a few more titles for a government that is allowed to do this at all...i can think of a few pertinent constitutional rights that are being violated...people, i propose that we start carrying around our constitutional rights...dhawn always tried to get me on board but it seemed a bit extreme...i will buy one for anyone who is willing to carry it...

helps of late...

2007-09-09T15:04:00.001-07:00

rumi says things in ways that i wish i could...here's my favorite of late...

I called through your door,
"The mystics are gathering
in the street. Come out!"

"Leave me alone.
I'm sick."

"I don't care if you're dead!
Jesus is here, and he wants
to resurrect somebody!"

______________________

There is a way between voice and pleasure
where information flows.

In disciplined silence it opens.
With wandering talk it closes.

wow...

2007-09-05T21:45:00.000-07:00

in an attempt to understand or center on my onset of weariness, i think mainly i am mourning the fact that i am no longer hiking the san juan mountains...instead i am trapped in some highly evolved place of academia (which i love don't get me wrong) and i am not doing a good job of connecting what i was there- with what i am here...oh, except when i took the benchmark tests of my vocational calling last week...it is the only time i have felt truly disconnected...

in a good way...one of my fellow backpackers came back and reacted with anger...maybe i have some of that...i still want to be seated around the fire at night and climb into a sweet bag and get great sleep...i want to wake knowing that i will see a great deal of uncharted territory...i have to wonder am i delusional? according to the pastoral counseling book i just read - yes...

i joke, but seriously, i am disturbed...i can't read anything without fighting it...the content, that is...all this great authorship defining us as being gifts to one another...i wonder how many of us feel that way about one another...just today, i was reminded how bad it hurts to realize one might not see you as a gift...and even more horrifying is that i had to consider my own failure to recognize the gift of others around me and how their life is a part of mine...and i cry...

i think that's why i like the trees and the grass...the stars and the meadows...i see them as gifts and it's quite possible they see me as a gift as well...at least i can hope...i use the grass to lay my head at night...i watch the moon come into view and count how many different star designs come into sight throughout the night...i enjoy them - maybe they enjoy me...i participated in their being...it's deeper than spoken language...and there is a mutual peace there...with humans, i screw everything up...

you are my gift dear reader...

things that make me...

2007-09-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

i went to bed on friday night at 12am...i think :) and did not even attempt to arouse until 8pm on saturday...woke up, watched all the catch ups for entourage, then happily embarked in another round of sleeping until 9:30 am on sunday...i think i have sufficiently caught up on whatever it was i was depriving myself of...i feel somewhat reborn...

there are certain things that actually drain me of energy...for instance, filling out paperwork...i would much rather bang my head against a wall...literally...it exhausts me to fill out a piece of paper with pertinent information regarding who i am...name, gender, race, ss#, address, phone #...it all is draining...much less a paper that requires additional information that i find to be irrelevant when you have to do it anyway...no matter what you say on the added information sheet, you are still required to fulfill this requirement...this my friends is probably the reason i slept for 36 hours straight...avoiding all tedious things which require information and more information...

is this a personality disorder? like running errands...they drain the life out of me...i don't know what to call this other than a personal problem...am i a member of some personality gene that hates and runs from paperwork? i am sure that there is a drug company that could help my dilemma...or a good counselor...

well, here we go...the final season of the seminary journey...it's sad to say, but i still have no idea where this road is leading...i guess oct. 22 will be a telling day...when i find out that i have to take any certain number of the ords over again...after 36 hours of sleep, i am not the least bit bothered by it...

happy last weekend before the last season begins...i am already sad...i realized this weekend that what i have here will probably never be duplicated again in my life...i don't know what to do with this...enjoy it while it lasts i presume...so i will probably be over-lovey...sorry em...i will kiss you many times this year... :)

crap...9 hours and...

2007-08-29T21:37:00.000-07:00

this is what happens...we become distracted...by nifty computer tricks and blogs...em is in the midst of bringing it home for the reader in her song of songs thesis..."Your nose is like a tower of Lebanon, overlooking Damascus." S of S 7:4

too bad she is exegeting this!!

on top of the world...

2007-08-27T14:09:00.000-07:00

yeah...this is where i have been for at least 10 days now...12,640 ft away from ordination exams...

this was one of the most incredible moments for me in the 15 day excursion...i haven't really come down - figuratively...so much that i am afraid my academia these last few days has lacked a certain engagement...but then again, maybe it served a purpose yet not understood...

all i know is that i will hang on to this moment always...and thanks to mary for joining me in the jump...i get giddy when i look at this :)

by the way, my usual dubious nature regarding the gospel of john is subsiding...turns out, i might end up liking this piece of work after all...i will tell you on thursday! blessings to all who are in the midst of explaining all biblical insights in the form of essays...too bad the graders don't walk around with us in life and grade us on our engagement in the world regarding the gospel...wait...do we want that? :)

wilderness here i come...

2007-08-06T14:58:00.000-07:00

these boots are made for walking...i am headed out for a couple of weeks to somewhere unknown...i think it is a test of letting go of control...i can take nothing...no phone, no watch, nothing...except a few clothes...:)

i am looking forward to it all...who knows what will come about...good stuff...love and peace to all until later...mj

serenity...

2007-08-02T15:14:00.000-07:00

you make me know there is a way to love the imperfections of another...

funnies...

2007-07-28T09:13:00.001-07:00

one of my favorite memories this year goes like this...

context: crowded room with many people seated around tables. introductions are being made and the going tag line is "i'm getting married this summer"...which by the way, congratulations to the myriads of matrimonial connections made this summer...oh yeah, introductions...

renee: hi, i'm renee...i am from floyd's knobs, indiana...

monica: is that one word? (snickering in a quiet kind of way)

renee: no, in fact it's two words.........i have no idea who floyd is but i grew up on his knobs...

need i say more? :)

signing over the nation...

2007-07-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

i rarely get the heeby-jeebies from people...but this morning i awoke to a national story in the nytimes and then the constant media coverage of the change of presidency from bush to chaney...

oh my god...

if i have ever prayed for bush, which i admit is not very often except that the time pass quickly until he is gone, i am praying today that the man who shoots his friends will not explicitly be the "president"...which he is, techinically...

millions of people daily get a scope up their butt...and, to be honest, i did not know that they had to sign over their businesses to take the scope...or have someone to adopt their children ready in case it goes bad...so why all the media hoopla? why the words "president/vice-president"? i mean "vice-president" is enough to give me the runs...

let's pray this all together today:

Oh Lord,
hear us in our time of need
deliver the president into a state of good health
save us from a threatening time of trial
and deliver us from evil
amen

seriously, look at every head line...the media is practically making sure that anyone with a pair of eyes and an easy saturday morning ends up with nausea and vomiting...

benefits...

2007-07-17T18:56:00.000-07:00

*m says that the greatest benefit to having a friend with ADD is that there is never a lack for conversation :)

*happy birthday to my father...he passed away two weeks prior to 9/11...i think he would be happy with my life right now...

*indie film week...tonight is paris te jaime...love it...

*and according to joss stone, we're worth it...ain't gonna waste no more time on you...you're gonna watch me walk...(she is awesome...)

m & m vacation...

2007-07-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

it's really the vacation i have never taken in austin...and my cohort are having a pretty decent time...last night we saw parker posey in broken english...seriously, go see it...

she is helping me knock out a huge to do list...but first we have to go and eat lunch...then go to happy hour...then go see another indie film....then have a night cap....then start all over tomorrow :)

he is beautiful...

2007-07-15T16:03:00.000-07:00

today, the confirmation that i am still in love with mark wahlberg came through about 1800 CST...

2007-07-10T06:09:00.000-07:00

i wonder why conservatives think they are the only political party that believes in family values?

2007-07-06T16:53:00.000-07:00

deep thoughts...to a minor degree...

*i wonder if eddie rabbit still loves the rainy nights...i'm trying to...

*the freaking mesquite trees have now gone tropical...this is when you know there has been A LOT of rain...i even admired them for a few moments...their formerly ugly selves have been transformed...

*are we really home?

the exorcist...

2007-06-24T19:28:00.001-07:00

isnt' she beautiful? her name is nolipher and she was a part of my time in africa...she and her husband have six daughters together...they are precious people and nolipher is working on her phd in AIDS education for africa...

she is the first woman i have ever met who is known in her community to be an exorcist...she is the best story-teller i have ever known...she is funny and compassionate- and most of all she cares about the world and what is happening in it...

one night, on our way to livingstone, our bus broke down for the last time...we had spent all day repairing, driving along, running into more trouble, stopping in remote areas...the night sets in about 6pm and it gets DARK...we were about 10-15k away from livingstone when the "luxury coach- as bill put it" had finally pooped out the battery...we had been struggling with the fuel filter for hours...we were trying to get up some of the hills that were between us and our final destination...a 7 hour trip had turned into 15 by then...

it was a full moon that night and as the bus breathed its last breath i had officially gone hysterical...the day had been filled with women with baskets on their head trying to sell fruit, fanta, markets, rabbits in the window, zambian football against the congo, no meals other than wafers from the side of the road, and laughter...lots and lots of laughter...

one of the girls on the trip asked nolipher if it would be okay to get out of the bus...we were not that far from a city, but remote nonetheless...nolipher, in her beautiful african accent, said "i don't know...i'm not sure if we are in animal territory or not..." of course claire, being the inquisitive young woman she is replied with: "you mean, like lions?" and nolipher replied, "well...maybe, just a bit............probably"....at that point, all i could picture is after 15 hours on the "luxury coach (abpi)" the only thing that could have made the day more spectacular is being approached by a lion on the side of the road...i think i laughed for at least 15 minutes at nolipher's response..."yeah, maybe just a bit..." she knew exactly what that meant to an american... :)

needless to say, after about an hour, we decided to descend and take our chances...i used the bathroom more in the brush in africa than i ever plan to or think i will even have a possibility to do in the states...allen started a small fire on the side of the road out of some brush...kim and shelby sang hymns of deliverance...i learned how to clean out a fuel filter...and decided that when we make plans, we often get annoyed when the plans take us elsewhere...i concluded that it just may be that our plan was wrong- and the plan helped us get to the right place...then again, it could have been the full moon intruding on my rational...or, it might just have been nolipher's exorcist skills working on my presumptions...

favorite lines this summer- so far :)

2007-06-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

"His laugh is made of porch swings and lemonade."

"I love the way we kiss...it's like a whole other language unto itself."

"A relationship terrarium."

"I love this art...when you look at someone and they don't look away."

"I won't even visit the singles.org page...they might trap my cookie."

"Be what you see...receive what you are." (regarding eucharist)

These quotes come from books read, conversations had, and a terrible addiction to the television show "brothers and sisters"...it's sick really...i think i watched the whole season...

grossly underestimated...

2007-06-16T23:06:00.000-07:00

i tell you, there wasn't one place i went in africa where this wasn't the drink of choice...apparently, the pineapple is even better but i never had the opportunity to cash in on the taste test...you even get most of your money back when you return the bottle...pappan, i took this picture for you :)

i still can't talk about it clearly...

2007-06-16T07:28:00.001-07:00

the closest shanty is of a public restroom in south africa...there are about 15 of these on something the size of a football field...then, as you can see all the different roofs there- about 25,000 people use these 15 bathrooms...they all live on about 2 square miles while across the street is 2 square miles of property owned by a white with only 20 people living on the property...

this is what it looks like inside...

wonder of the world...

2007-06-15T16:34:00.001-07:00

i am convinced that creation is much more powerful than we humans are willing to admit...we think we are smarter than water...as i stood here to take this picture of victoria falls, i could hear nothing but the thundering sound of water falling constantly...never ending...day after day after day...it doesn't require any help from me- or any one else come to think of it...it just happens with no CEO to oversee the constant flow...the constant comfort of water moving from one place to the next...

on the other hand, as we stood beholding this wonder my friend ruth decided she needed to go back to the top and do a little shopping...i was entranced with nature...in the zone...she was concerned about getting the best deal possible from the sellers up top...god love her...she is one great lady...

bill is under a rainbow...

2007-06-15T04:56:00.001-07:00

dude, can you see the rainbow? somewhere judy garland has changed "somewhere" to "bill is"....:)

favs...

2007-06-12T18:50:00.001-07:00

1- these fellas were awesome...they live in lusaka and this night was the night they offered us hooves from some animal...it has been known to bless those in marriage...with what i am still unaware of but apparently it does wonders :)

2- awesome trees on the safari in botswana...i am addicted to trees framed in front of a beautiful sky...

3- these guys were hanging out in capetown...i asked them to pose and they obliged...lucky me...

i'm a happy girl...

2007-06-11T13:27:00.001-07:00

well, i am happier now than i was when our blessed travel agent booked our flight to DC five hours later than our tickets proposed...the second picture was my reflection on 25 of may, at 0600...the other picture is of my roommate and travel companion for the duration of the trip...this was toward the end of the trip when i had forgotten about the stupid travel agent...i have so much to share...but i vote to do it after the jet-lag has exited...good to be in texas- but i have brought a bit of africa home with me...

i bless the rains down in africa...

2007-05-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

totally love toto...have them on lp...headed out early on thursday for a most extensive trip in south africa...lusaka to capetown...YES!!! love to all these next few weeks...will try to document as best as i am able...try not to get malaria...try not to drink contaminated things...i figure if i stick to beer i'll be okay :)

congrats to brian and kelly!! congrats to crystal and adam!! congrats to ryan and laura!! congrats to patrick and kate!! congrats to cody and his soon to be bride (which i regret not remembering her name right now- as soon as i close the post it will come to me)...if anyone else gets married or pregnant before i get back, i'll rejoice upon my homecoming...

then the blessed greek awaits...get ready juniors...wait- middlers :)

what's at stake for you?

2007-05-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

in the closing of the semester, it is difficult to think of all the things that matter to you with the usual depth of sincerity until it is over...i've been chewing on the racial reconciliation forum for a while and as each day passes, i think i am astonished at the outcome of that meeting...i don't know if anyone else feels appalled at some of the things said that day- but i was...essentially, what i think happened is that not only did we foster an untrustworthy space in the chapel, we turned around and asked black students to trust us with hearing their feelings...and them with ours...and then told them that- basically- it wasn't a big deal and we can get through this...yeah for the white people who sat in the back of the room seperated from the black students...yeah for the white people who made the session about their story instead of hearing the black students story...yeah for the white people who asked the blacks not to use a word the whites labeled them with long ago...it's sad...

i wonder why whites think that we can grasp the depth of a minority's pain regarding language...i'm not saying intellectualize it...i'm talking experience...to never know the experience of being degraded by another race- i am not sure that whites will know that- ever...at least not in the context of this place...we reign...we have priviliges...no word a minority uses against a white person will ever carry the weight of the ugly, ugly words we have used to label them...and i'm not talking about hurting our feelings...i'm talking about being labeled in such a way that the whole world knows what that label means...in the end, i think we are arrogant to believe that language doesn't carry the weight it used to carry...what is at stake for me in this situation is watching a community of whites that have no idea whether to call a black student "black"...or "African-American"...and some still see them as "different"...what is at stake? regarding another's full humanity...

tomorrow, a student that has worked very, very hard to finish her education and is noted by many to be a phenomenal pastor won't be attending the graduation in which she deserves to be...the PCUSA has ran her off...has chosen not to uphold her full humanity...when are we gonna start looking at the stakes? because it seems that as long as we are looking at personal gains, we are committing crimes against the full humanity of the gospel...am i angry? yep...but more broken-hearted for those who are not seen as full...it's convienient to see someone fully when they look like you...or when they are the same color as you...or the same sexual orientation as you...i am interested if anyone feels "less full" because of negating others the possiblity of being recognized as fully human?...instead of sub-human...instead of less than "me"...

i feel "less full"...that's what is at stake for me...

i'd rather...

2007-05-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

if: given a task of let's say...taking a class on business administration and budget
i'd rather: poke my eyes out with a fork

if: given a task of let's say...reading a book and then reporting about what i read
i'd rather: run 26.2 miles...and you know i think that is for idiots...

if: given the choice of let's say...blowing off writing final papers which amount to 45 pages
i'd rather: go to the crown and consume the brown stuff...

in true dees style:

niebuhr biography report: 6/6 pages completed (needs final thoughts)
niebuhr volume II paper: 0/20 pages completed
feminist theology paper: 0/20 pages completed
philemon project: um...it's actually close to completion :)

i think it is somewhat disturbing that i am not upset about the above listed stats...

current dilemma...

2007-05-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

so what do we do when the majority of people do not want to get behind something that is at the root- injustice? do we keep on existing in moderate tolerance with a few scrapes and bruises to accompany the journey? or what? yeah....or what?