breedlove...

let's rewind 10 years ago...first of all, people underestimate rhythm...i was sitting in stubb's in lubbock- i was newly married and my husband and i were drinking shiner- we were in a trance- a rhythmical trance- produced from the syncopation and drive of music...my husband and i were in a band as well at the time, so we were already past the observation mode into the "event" mode...i remember what it smelled like...i remember looking at him and smiling because without even saying a word, we both knew what the other was thinking...

i am sure it is rhythm...it produces breath every day...it helps us walk...it helps us brush our teeth...i remember my own heartbeat synchronizing with scott's as we lay in bed at night...rhythm is the invisible mechanism that drives most of the day's activities...the tide...the sunset...transportation...birth...it's driving us...it doesn't recognize time...it only "rebirths" the memories of long ago...

fast forward 10 years...i am no longer married...and there are days i wake up and regret it...in the beginning of my grief i was intent on surviving...blaming the dis-synchronizing on him...he quit...which made me fail by default...the simultaneous "knowing" had vanished...the rhythm of love, life, committment- we quit hearing it as well as we once did- sitting in stubb's over shiner and breedlove...but last night, as i watched this well oiled rhythm machine again- it took me to a place of remembrance...i was in the "event" last night was just as i was 10 years ago...this time, i was alone...and i drank newky brown instead...the only connection i had with those around me was the trance we were all subjected to by this band...powerful...

the days are gone that i reflect on this part of my life...the rhythm of forgiveness entered a while back...forgiveness helped me to reconnect with the rhythm that birthed me...reconnected me to why i loved scott to begin with...reconnected me to want him to have that rhythm again in his life...it also reminded me that we can never really be separate from it...sure we move on...but the rhythm of what brought us together will always be a part of the fabric of my being...i believe that i will always love him...because the rhythm of life brought us together...and we betrayed it...for whatever reason...it doesn't matter anymore...i have discovered that my resistance to the rhythm has been far more detrimental than the living in it...fighting it produces so many offbeats that it is impossible to connect with anyone...letting it embrace you?- i think this is where synchronization/rebirth begins...

for a while i have believed myself to be "healthy"...free from ________....fill it in...last night i stood in a room full of strangers and never shed a tear about how it used to be...instead i thought "my god...i am exactly as i was 10 years ago"...even though i am not...how can an "event" transcend time? i don't know the answers...but i know it's true...maybe rhythm is a good starting place...