ridiculous obsession

if it is true, that the greatest thing you will ever do is to just love and be loved in return- i think i am screwed...

cathartic moments happen in seasons for me...yesterday started this season...i could not fathom how once something gets broken, particularly your heart, how does it mend so that it can perform the same functions it was currently performing at the same performance level? my rationale told me that it doesn't...hence started the catharticacy...

i invision it this way...many great writers of the truly great love stories always wrote with tragedy...one of the loved ones die...this totally sucks in my opinion...but as i have seen the story unfold in my own life, it is such that i was surrounded, enveloped by peers and i was figuratively holding my dead mate and everyone was watching- but no one could do anything to keep me from getting broken...even if they held me, what i was holding died anyway...

i was struck with sheer panic yesterday...i am thirty four...seriously...i have truly f'd up some things...but even honesty about who you are does not put you back to the beginning...it is true that i have found solace in believing that i am a different, better person through all that i have endured...yesterday, i pulled some type of card on myself- but it wasn't the BS card...it was the holy shit card...am i taking enough risks daily? do i practice what i want in my life? do i believe in this idea of sincere, ridiculous obession? not yesterday- it reminded me of how much it freakin' hurt...hence the catharticacy...

some people settle for whatever...i am convinced that my genetics are not engineered that way...there are days when i wish that i possessed no knowledge of good love...then i could rely on stupidity and never know the difference...hence....you know...

i had a dream the other night about saying goodbye to a friend...some people describe the type of love we search for in terms of not imagining any day without seeing or being near this person...i have only met one person like that- hence, i broke when the day came and i could not see him anymore...i guess i ask, does this event happen to a person twice in one lifetime? i guess it would be forthright to say i freakin hope so, or i am screwed...i told emmy yesterday that i don't know of one thing in this world that when it gets broken, it gets restored to its first and true nature...so, she suggested that i need a shrink, gave me a box of kleenex and fed me two double gin and tonics...it was a nice anasthetic to my catharticacy...

today the numbness is gone...but the question still lingers...isn't it always this way?