the light of remorse...

i was reminded today of a friend of mine that has been on the fringes of my life for a few years...i would see him on tuesdays for english beer night and there was never more than the friendly pub language and the communication of the latest whatnot...

things in your life can change- sometimes in an instant...without having any intention whatsoever to do harm, he ran into another vehicle on his way home one night...it happened to be his birthday and i still don't know for sure, but i think he had had too much to drink...

upon leaving to come back to austin, he was still in jail...this event has messed with my head and my heart...i was upset that there was nothing whatsoever that i could do to rearrange the situation and change the outcome...the victim was in critical condition and i do not know if he died...

why is it that until tragedy enters within your realm of comfort do we read stories such as these with a certain detachment? as if another human doesn't matter unless you know them? most often the remark goes something like this- "how terrible"...if this story would have happened to someone outside of my sphere of knowledge, i feel certain that it would have affected me quite differently...but instead, my chest is tight- wondering if my friend will ever be outside the prison walls again...

it was his birthday...no one ever starts out their celebration intending to end up like this...i guess it is a reflection on what we think we deserve...right? when we live fully into what we think we deserve, there is a risk of taking away the very thing someone else rightfully deserves as well...so really, all actions- in effect- are related...

saying "i'm sorry" is not even close to hitting the spot where the remorse has pooled up and is now flowing through the veins...tonight i am just sad...usually there is no sympathy for the drunk driver...but i feel it...it isn't even sympathy...it's grief...grief... for in harming another man's life, maybe my friend has died as well...within...leaving a living cavity...

i tried to contact him before leaving...he had not left anyone on the visitor's list...possibly refusing them...all of this because we get older and we want to mark it in celebration...

these are the things that hurt...you cannot do anything to change the situation...you just have to watch it play out...with remorse...for i do not see how one can view this situation in any other light...

what if we were all judged on our intentions- instead of what actually happens?