wow...
in an attempt to understand or center on my onset of weariness, i think mainly i am mourning the fact that i am no longer hiking the san juan mountains...instead i am trapped in some highly evolved place of academia (which i love don't get me wrong) and i am not doing a good job of connecting what i was there- with what i am here...oh, except when i took the benchmark tests of my vocational calling last week...it is the only time i have felt truly disconnected...
in a good way...one of my fellow backpackers came back and reacted with anger...maybe i have some of that...i still want to be seated around the fire at night and climb into a sweet bag and get great sleep...i want to wake knowing that i will see a great deal of uncharted territory...i have to wonder am i delusional? according to the pastoral counseling book i just read - yes...
i joke, but seriously, i am disturbed...i can't read anything without fighting it...the content, that is...all this great authorship defining us as being gifts to one another...i wonder how many of us feel that way about one another...just today, i was reminded how bad it hurts to realize one might not see you as a gift...and even more horrifying is that i had to consider my own failure to recognize the gift of others around me and how their life is a part of mine...and i cry...
i think that's why i like the trees and the grass...the stars and the meadows...i see them as gifts and it's quite possible they see me as a gift as well...at least i can hope...i use the grass to lay my head at night...i watch the moon come into view and count how many different star designs come into sight throughout the night...i enjoy them - maybe they enjoy me...i participated in their being...it's deeper than spoken language...and there is a mutual peace there...with humans, i screw everything up...
you are my gift dear reader...
posted by Monica @ 9:45 PM
10 comments
10 Comments:
There is a mutuality in seeing another as gift and being seen as a gift. With nature, it doesn't have to respond in any way but how it is designed to respond. I think part of the kingdom of God being made present is when we are able to see one another as gifts.
You speak of participating in the being of the grass and the moon, in seeing another as gift, you participate in the very being of another human life. Big stuff! Our brokenness gets in the way of achieving a mutual peace with one another.
Know that you are truly a gift and that sometimes the others around you may fail to recognize that in you, but they may also fail to recognize it in themselves. Be well!
Your comment reminded me of the transfiguration. Luke 9:33 "Master, it is good that we are here. Let us make three tents, one for you and one for Moses and one for Elijah." I know for myself that I love those mountain top experiences and would much rather stay rapped up in them than come down the mountain, but ultimately we have to come down if for no other reason than to fight against the brokenness we find in the plains.
come back, the both of you :) i am grateful for the gift of you in my life...
Hang in there Monica! I too am having a hard time connecting with the academia. I think one weird thing is that I want to enjoy the moment, but I also know that the moment is quickly fading all the time.
I can't believe how many things I've done this week. Thursday already feels infinitely disconnected from Monday. So very strange. . .
it's not that i am not connecting...i am arguing at every turn...it will be okay...i know..
Almighty God of hill and plain,
O’er which we hike in sun and rain,
On mountain top and valley low,
Protect us Lord where e’er we go.
And from our grateful hearts we’ll raise
Glad hymns of thankfulness and praise.
Monica... In scouts (yes, I am an Eagle Scout) we had a rule to live by: set up camp, take care of the necessities and then explore.
What revelations did you have there in the mountains, and why are you holding out on those of us who have been hiking the switch-backs from hell? Clearly you have had a change in perspective. Name it.
From Thoreau...
The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality. Perhaps the facts most astounding and most real are never communicated by man to man. The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little star-dust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched.
david, thoreau is not someone i read much, but i think now i will make a major investment...
i wonder sometimes what the switchbacks are about in life? for ease? for safety? the waiting? one of our guides suggested that i missed my calling...she said i should be a mountain climber :) the other guide called me a billygoat...right now in life i am billygoating up the mountain...the switchback is not even an option...it wears me out, but it feels so good...both hands and feet clutching the earth looking up to the place where i want to go...i like my fast beating heart...i like the earth on my body...
the wilderness was a place i needed no shelter...i had no real fears...in this place, i am mostly afraid of humans and i thank god for the shelter i have to keep them at bay...i am only scared them because i end up making things bad...i'm critical, demanding...but i'm good too...but the vulnerability it takes to be in fellowship is sometimes too much...
thanks for reading...
tim- i'm thinking you are right...
I get that a lot. :)
i should have known... ")
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