what to do...
the reality of failure brings a sobriety that halts all current successes...as each hour passes, things i have never feared are slowing rearing up within my comfortable existence...there were a few moments today that i wanted to know what made me so uncomfortable about failure...i think it has to do with being thrown right back into other places in the past where failure was the demise of my sanity...
there are places within history that hold a particular feeling...i can hear air supply's "i'm all out of love..." and i can remember this road trip my grandmother took me on to new mexico in a red monte carlo...every radio station between the falls and alberquerque played the song every hour on the hour...i guess it is safe to assume that when failure comes along, even when it is not meant to be detrimental, it carries you- no- it throws you back into the particular place where you were basically suffocating from shame...
the pressure gets turned up the next time you attempt to overcome failure...take relationships for instance, doesn't failure in the past seemingly navigate the current situation? without any major intention, the past ends up dictating the present with pin pricks of pain to remind you of what once happened...
i wish i was tougher...for a lack of finding a better word at the present...i wish there was some way to not let failure be a chord that is constantly tying one situation to another...is there some particular room in the depths of the invisible soul that is for all the failure moments? and for however long you stay there, whatever is present gets drug into that room? i don't know...but i am looking for the shoot that functions as the escape route...i don't care how long of a drop it is...i just want to climb into it and get the hell out of that invisible space that i never really wanted to go to anyway...it's that thrown thing again...can you throw yourself out of it?
this sounds terribly depressing...and maybe it is...all the situations that have thrown me into that room have been powerful...what's funny is that there was no time limit or test that allowed me to recover...it was a part of living...healing...maybe that is what this is as well...living...healing...
i would like to say that through writing this it all looks better...quite frankly, it doesn't...how do you fight failure? how do you say to the invisible, put up your dukes? how do you fight the spirit? do you have to pull yourself by the proverbial bootstraps? work harder?
it's not fair to the reader for you to think this is all about ord results...it is sort of the catalyst, but i tend to evaluate everything when i happen upon situations such as these...failing a test has never been on my radar...but i have failed in relationships, duties, general living experiences...i just wonder how i got over it so that i can get over this? part of me wonders if i ever really did get over it...maybe we never do...we just keep trying...and when the chord connects again, we either eventually cut it- or we use it as a reminder that we move on...still connected...we bring the past with us, but we move on...
posted by Monica @ 9:39 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
I just commented on Ryan's blog that he sounded like Dawson from Dawson's Creek. I'm not sure which character you sound like, maybe Katie Holmes character. I say this fully knowing that if I were in your spot I would feel like you feel, but I am not. I am on the other side of where you are as far as ords and maybe other stuff goes. The great difference that has happened in me since I left you all is that I do not fear failure as much as I did. In academics, relationships, life whatever. There were so many times when I was in my head or down in the dumps because of too much stuff without perspective of the bigger picture. Failure is opportunity. Eve (and to a lesser extent Adam) and the apple in the Garden was not failure, but an opportunity for even greater fellowship and love between God and humanity in the form of Jesus Christ. I have faith in fact that this whole process not just the individual event was always God's intention. All of our experiences wonderfully and ineffably not only make us who we are, but all work towards God's good intention. I would not be sitting here Rev. Timmy, if it hadn't. And I wouldn't have been able to give this message of hope to you had it not been for my experiences good and most especially bad. I pray for you and suffer alongside you in whatever ways I can. Blessings.
i really miss you...it's moments like these in which i step back and say "oh well..." in my morning readings on monday, jeremiah gave the age old comfort of God knowing the plans in place for each of us...i was okay with it on monday...even today...lamentations are on a personal level right now...when i open up to the grand world of suffering, this is nothing...it hurts nonetheless...and i am not sure whether to be thankful for the experience, which seems absurd, or hopeful that something if anything prosperous will come out of it...
i am overwhelmed about so many things...this is probably maximizing the pain...one thing bleeds into another...but hope? it's there...like a small flower soaking up the dawning of a new day...my baptism is very real today...as it should be everyday...
rev. tim...thanks...
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