hidden reality
"i know myself- this is something i can't get over"- aiden shaw
sex and the city, season 3
it does not matter how many times i watch this particular episode, which is not very often- it hurts too much... i want to run out of the house, drive down to the store, buy the spirits and chain smoke until i have emptied my head of that one particular moment which will forever roam the halls of my hallowed soul...it literally makes my chest heave...this moment is not always contingent on the prompting of aiden, but it hurts like hell when somehow we meet and i am reminded of the worst pain imaginable- betrayal...
why do we do this to one another? what is it that we cannot be satisfied with in our present state? i detest short, flip answers and band-aid sayings...only time- and by time i mean years- has brought me to a small island that is very well protected and surrounded and labled 'trustworthy place'... i floated a long time before i reached that island...a place where it is okay to be vulnerable because i know....without a doubt........ i could not survive another moment like that in my life...
some say- don't watch it monica...i say- you can't avoid it...maybe it's good to be reminded of how far you've come...even if it catches your breath and causes you to gasp as you stare it in the face...
so it startled me...it lets me know that it is still my greatest fear...
posted by Monica @ 10:33 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
Words are few
I have spoken
I could waste a thousand years
Wrapped in sorrow words are token
Come inside and catch my tears
You've been talking but believe me
If its true you do not know
This boy loves without a reason
I'm prepared to let you go
If it's love you want from me
Then take it away
Everything is not what you see
It's over today
not sure what i mean by this, however i thought i'd throw some culture club lyrics your way.
i don't even know you and you get it...this world is a crazy place...
Ugh. I had a very hard time with that particular Sex and the City moment, as well. And yes, I did watch Sex and the City. It was a very boring summer, okay? But I agree that it's hard to keep from coming back things like that which have emotional currency for you. I know it's certainly the same for me, there are excruciating journal entries I wrote years ago expressing deep anguish that I cannot help but return to and read every year or so. Why? I cannot be certain. Maybe to feel the depths of one's human experience, to know that such moments are indeed real, that they can be experienced and felt and, finally, transcended. But, even so, one must always remember.
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