dangerous silence...

i've been thinking on this for a long, long time...i wonder sometimes what the meaning is behind silence...in spirituality, silence is used to foster a place where our voices are quieted...hopefully...but in relationships i wonder if we use silence in a dangerous way...

for years i used silence as a form of protection from my father...i wasn't really sure what i felt about our relationship because i had been listening to lots of other voices... i had allowed their influence on me to skew my own opinion regarding the relationship and spent so many years just keeping up the silence out of fear...fear of what i don't know...

i can't imagine what that did to him...actually, i know what it did to him...as i ponder my own dangerous use of silence i have been forced to see that there is appropriate silence...and inappropriate silence...there is a power that is inflicted for whatever self-interest lies behind it and it is damaging...i wonder how much i damaged him...i wonder how many days he spent wondering what he did to deserve my silence...i wonder if one day he just decided to give it up and not accept my dangerous silence anymore...i hope so...

who knows...it's too late to figure it out...but in reflection, it has been a powerful place to realize that my mangagment of silence has been detrimental to say the least...it's one of those do unto others thing...i think i am willing to say that when silence goes too long it is dangerous...deadly even...where is the line between protection and danger? i've distorted this line several times lately...i wonder if i'll ever really learn...

mere would quote paul simon i think...

"Fools" said I, "You do not know Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach to you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence...