somewhere in the day to day struggle to understand the future, i cringe - mostly...nothing is the same yet everything is the same...the future looms at times with claws and highth - then it releases at times with a big exhalation and sigh...this is the tension i exist within...
a good friend told me of the apparent angst that permiates my presence...i acknowledged his statement with a resigned spirit...to admit his oberservation was not troubling - it was in fact freeing...i do not pretend to function without the day to day angst of meeting one person to the next...thier freedoms' and my freedoms' interacting....
this is a new place...this place of wanting to know the future...i have never wanted to know it like i do now...i literally heaved this morning as i thought about the prospect of - nothing...like all of this education amounting to what? nothing? i cannot believe this...maybe i will not believe this...and maybe this is a part of a new freedom...negating fear...or that if we do this "thing" it will naturally lead to the next "thing"...
sometimes the eye on the sparrow is a load of crap to me - even though i have been a witness to its truth...another friend today vocalized that the whole words of "god has the perfect plan for you" just wasn't enough...and i agree...and i found freedom in this...no matter how unorthodox it is...
anyone trying to get free from angst? or is it just me? can we feel freedom and angst together? somehow it is happening for me...a little at a time...another good friend likes to bathe me with poetry...she does this in an attempt to salve my broken and doubting heart...it is yet another means of momentary freedom in the midst of angst...god love her for this...
i love the future yet i hate the future...i love the promises yet i hate the promises...is this another part of freedom? the freedom to admit this?
most people get to this place of future a lot earlier than i have...i battle between envy and fulfillment...i told someone the other day that i have always been a nomad...not until now have i ever been concerned about the coming days...where is my nomadic self? come back...i knew freedom better when you were here...
maybe there is no freedom the way i want it...maybe there is...
