all in favor, say I

1- to make a stick of gum that would contain the flavor of each selected modern/post modern theologians so that instead of reading for 50 hours, it could be reduced to the simple act of chewing your respective reading...

2- to make a sweat band that would activate your brain, upon wearing, to decisively translate all languages of antiquity...

3- to make a mirror that would show me the possibilities of who could be the lucky man to go with me to see deathcab on march 29

4- to convince the writers of grey's that we did NOT want to see that scene with her and george in bed together...seriously, it hurt my eyes...

5- to make a pill that would stop procrastination...

hidden reality

"i know myself- this is something i can't get over"- aiden shaw
sex and the city, season 3

it does not matter how many times i watch this particular episode, which is not very often- it hurts too much... i want to run out of the house, drive down to the store, buy the spirits and chain smoke until i have emptied my head of that one particular moment which will forever roam the halls of my hallowed soul...it literally makes my chest heave...this moment is not always contingent on the prompting of aiden, but it hurts like hell when somehow we meet and i am reminded of the worst pain imaginable- betrayal...

why do we do this to one another? what is it that we cannot be satisfied with in our present state? i detest short, flip answers and band-aid sayings...only time- and by time i mean years- has brought me to a small island that is very well protected and surrounded and labled 'trustworthy place'... i floated a long time before i reached that island...a place where it is okay to be vulnerable because i know....without a doubt........ i could not survive another moment like that in my life...

some say- don't watch it monica...i say- you can't avoid it...maybe it's good to be reminded of how far you've come...even if it catches your breath and causes you to gasp as you stare it in the face...

so it startled me...it lets me know that it is still my greatest fear...

i need to wash my mouth out with soap

loved that trick as a kid...cuss words, mean words, down right ugly words...like shut up or your momma... i tell you i am taking a beating this week in the realization that my tongue is ugly, ugly...

how did i get here? how do any of us? the road to uglydom isn't very far...in fact, it's only a few paces in a certain direction...the scariest part is that there are no road signs telling you what is ahead...i stepped off the proverbial cliff yesterday...the thing is- you don't die...instead you stand there as a revelation of your awful uglydom overwhelms you...i could not breathe yesterday...

i think it is important who you encounter proverbial cliff revelation with...it just so happened that the witness to my travels in uglydom was exteremely benevolent...he was so benevolent that i have basically landed in some other kingdom...possibly the kingdom of God...

personification

in an attempt to come up with a grey's name for all my friends, it occured to me that in naming myself, i was in the act of living up to my name- mcbitchy....

i must, and with all sincerity share with my beloved friends my honest confession of being a sorry ass when i should happy for you...mostly, to my friend from tennessee...may i always be intent on being excited about what you are excited about...especially when it comes to marriage...but maybe not about girls' asses...

to my friend from california and my friend from west tejas- embark on an adventure and do not, under any circumstances restrain yourself from living...even if it goes against the odds- just enjoy yourselves...but you must give me a few details!!

to my friend whose dad is 'ed'- i know that change is the most difficult thing to adapt to...especially when the world changes without your permission...hang in there and know that someone gets you in this arena...and i will grieve to no end when change slaps me to another part of the world...

to my friend that finds himself extremely original, and trust me, we all try to meet you there- i will confess that i have not always understood how to perceive you- but these days, it is getting easier...i kinda like it...

so many of my friends deal with my shit...and i am so overly humbled...i pray i give just an ounce of what they give to me back into their lives...i will never be mcperfect....but i will always be real...

good news

i received word today that my trip down the buffalo river at the first of spring break falls into the "paid for" catagory...the Lord is good...canoeing and hiking...good times...

the finish line

as i drove down congress this morning, my eyes were watery as i watched 10,000 people run the austin marathon...i just happened to look up at the precise moment that a fellow mate of the seminary ran by...i was able to open the jeep door and yell "ken, you rock!! fantastic job, fantastic job!!"...my eyes were flooded and my heart truly raced because i was in awe that out of 10,000 people, i had the chance to encourage the ONE i knew!...it got me thinkin', who is cheering for us as we run the race of life?

for the next six hours my friends and i watched and cheered the runners...you cannot truly know the inspiritation i speak of until you actually stand on the sidelines and see their faces smile as we clapped and shouted short-syllabic words such as, 'yeah!' or 'right on!'...BECAUSE OF WITNESSING THEIR FAITHFULNESS AND ENDURANCE, IT MADE ME WANT TO RUN AS WELL...in the race of life, could the same be true? as i presently run, is it possible that those around me, aware of my 'discipline', are moved to run the race as well? it is an interesting thought...i don't run because of wanting others to run as well...i run because i am called...but it moves me to think that by my running, someone might take up training too! the dead, white german theologians are cringing right now, but in the beauty of the race, is inspiration contagious?

my eyes beheld all peoples today...short, tall, big, small, old, young...how is it that just by watching them enjoy their 'discipline', i was moved to join them? i have been literally running since the first of january again...since i quit the big cancer stick i have moved on to things that i used to do all the time...i hurt my ankle about a month ago and i can't help but think of how that translates in life...it is called a 'stress fracture'...truly, in the race of life i am sure that we have suffered many of those...but we're still running, right? or are we dusting off our shoes and stretching out to get started again? maybe we've never recovered from the fracture...

inspiration seek us out...heal our wounds...bind up our fractures and help us to stretch out...allow us to catch a glimpse of the finish line...

two truths and a lie...

i believe the days you spend in true reflection are the days in which you ache by the time you finally make it home...even more so when you reflect not just on your own self, but on your community as well...coincidence led me to this place...






ps...as i listen to deathcab, i long for the 29th when we will see each other, face to face...i received a parcel today that has ensured my listening pleasure on that great day...

with my whole heart...

for whoever reads this today- i struggle to put into words the exactness of my whole entity regarding the love that flows from myself to the world around me...many a person in this world, throughout the scope of history has tried to be precise about their passions concerning others...today i learned that in being subject to others, there is a big risk in being misunderstood...

let there be no question, dear readers, of the absolute wholeness that i give to you...i try to be as honest and sincere as i can possibly be...i feel so loved that even the worst of me i hide not from you...as our dear rigby has said, isn't it wonderful when the love is returned? i desire for this to be known amidst my kingdom...for nothing will cause this to be abstained.. it is stemmed from the mover of all things...and in this i find my refuge and strength...

oh love that will not let me go...move me again to be nigh to you...

who loves cigarettes?

(mary's voice) i do, i do!!

my friends, it has been since the first of january that i have not surrendered to the wooing voice of the fag...all in all, it has been................only 44 days...it seems soooo much longer...week three was tough and over the last few days, i have had cravings that perhaps can only be described as...ferocious...i saw a man driving next to me enjoying the nice, stick of fresh air, and i wanted to yell over and bum one from him...desperation will make you do silly things...i have not even had a drink this week...maybe that is what is causing my depression...wink wink...oh, it's only monday...still, it is this week...

i have been in the land of nostalgic lane...such a bad place to be when you cannot smoke...my contemplations do not come with a stick of time to be pensive with anymore...i think this is the one thing i hate the worst...i used to sit on my couch with a great novel and read for at least two hours before sleep...all the while enjoying nostalgia with a fag...but i am a witness- listen, it is not the same and i think i am confused as to what to do...i used to study in stotts because it has a porch and when i needed to reflect on writing or reading, i would walk outside and take a few minutes with the beloved rette...now, i am confused and i sometimes wander aimlessly around my 4X8 dorm room thinking, "why? why did feel so convicted to give up the love of my life?" stupid boys...stupid, stupid boys...oh, and my health...

then there is the crying business...where is this coming from? there should be a surgeon general warning about quitting smoking- it increases the tear duct producers so that anything can trigger the ducts to start flowing...no toilet paper, no clean socks, no valentine, no cute strappy black shoes...i am doing it right now...

so, cheers to being freakin smoke free...yeah...like on monty python- 'and there was much rejoicing!- (uncheerful) yeah'...pray i find some direction with all my spare time...and that i would quit the crying business...really- i am starting to look like a wuss...

the man known as 'ed'

i had the pleasure of travelling with my dear friend georgia to celebrate her mother's _?_th birthday today and i met a man named ed...at least that is what georgia called him...

he told me of how his neighbor had bird houses and he was attracting some beautiful birds...he also told me that he likes to feed birds as well...i politely asked what kind of birds and he replied that he likes to feed the vultures...if i would have had food in my mouth, i am sure that i would have spit it out on him...he was totally serious...i had that moment where my face portrayed some type of amusement but i was yet hesitant because i did not want to hurt his feeling if he actually indeed liked to feed vultures...bizarre, but i was being sensitive...

then i learned that his other feeding involved red ants...he purposely crunches up salty chips and spreads it out over the lawn to take care of the red ants...i have never met anyone such as this...also, his other hobby is buying knives off of ebay...do you think this guy is retired?

truth be told, i beheld a foreshadowing of what elvis might be like when he is 'retired'...i can see him feeding vultures for sure...with a burger king hat on...

p. 1-152

i already loathe the preaching text...i found the word tangential and had it confused with tangenital for several minutes as i contemplated how that word would actually fit into this text...those few moments were the only highlight pertaining to this assignment...

your church is so...

i read these on the aussie's website and SOME of them made me laugh...


-Your church is so ugly the bride of Christ has to wear a veil*

-Your reformed theology is so fat you think the Diet of Worms is a weight loss program*

-Your church is so ugly, even the Pope says you should use contraception*

-Your church is so fat, they think Adam was expelled from Eden for being a fruit eating hippy

-Your church is so fat that if they marched around Jericho the walls would fall without God's help*

-Your understanding of Old Testament prophecy is so fat it needs 3 comings of Christ to fulfill it


*=funny, or at least they were today-it puts a new twist on 'yo mamma'

go ahead and go there

there are times when you sit in class and the information, no matter how good it is, basically gets filtered through the senses with no intensity...then, on days like today, all words cut you like a knife...

when is it time?: wait?: does this mean never?: what is the result of waiting?

injustice was so much of what was talked about today...but i realize that we read about the poor every week- and we are not poor: we read about the oppressed, and we are not oppressed: we read about the marginal, and we are not marginal: HOW ARE WE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE OPPRESSED? BECOME OPPRESSED? BECOME MARGINAL? if this is true, then i can clearly see why the incarnation is crucial to our call as disciples...christ became us-for us...the richest became the poorest- the holiest became the unholiest- the infinite became finite-for who? justice for who?

for me...

and so i in turn will be for others

can i become poor? can i become non-anglo? can i become oppressed? did not christ become this? even paul? what does this mean for me? i have 34 years of language that in essence is a voice speaking of 'individualism'...all for me...you only get it if you deserve it... work hard enough for it...poverty is a choice...you choose to make it or not...am i going to have to hate my family to accomplish eliminating the voice? for every minute that i wait, justice is being denied...

take off my skin
empty out my bank account
take off my heritage
give away what is in my closet
take off my nationality
go beyond my gender
take off my prejudices
strip my ego naked

live into this new creation...

what is it called if we were all required to do this?

equality

deflated

in my obsessive need for accuracy, today i found my thoughts of the future adjusting dramatically...as i actually sat down with the "lexicon" and started the passage from isaiah, i realized that i might not ever reach my personal goal of being the hottest hebrew teacher ever...bummer...i must now consider if there is more to life...help...

today i had the chance to serve my fellow 'mates' the bread of life...i usually wake up to my nightmares of spelling something wrong, or worrying that i left out an entire line of the national anthem as i was singing it for an event- or as today, in my keen reflection of it- i think i said "_____ (your name) the body of christ, shed for you"...and wouldn't you know that i served half the professors of the seminary...i wonder if the spirit muted their ears to my stupidity? i wonder if my mind is playing tricks on me? please let it be a very bad nightmare...it's like when my mother's brother (a fellow minister) said loudly, and proudly on easter morning, "let's all stand and sing as we celebrate christ's errection"...could you make it through the rest of the morning? no way...no way...

and for those of you who received a large portion of jesus today- please know it is part of my theology regarding the table...for as long as it took you to chew and actually eat, those few moments were meant for you to "taste and see that the Lord is good"...

avenue of perception

go and check the chowdie's site...scroll down past superbowl picks and watch the superheroes + office space...great clip...

the clock is ticking and i hear monday starting to blare into my brain -with one of those off in the distance walls of sound that gets louder and you know it is getting closer- but you don't know just how much closer- until it hits you- BAM...and the alarm clock says monday morning, 7am...

when i used to manage retail at GAP- i know, it's unbelievable, right?- we had this saying that just drove me crazy- perception is reality- when anything went wrong, these words echoed through the vocal chords of my co-worker and would basically make me want to vomit...1) can you really influence the way an individual might perceive the situation? 2)if so, then doesn't that negate the idea of "reality?"

a friend of mine today used the word "magic" to describe what was indeed desired concerning "the" realtionship...i even asked what has influenced the longing for this "magic"...experience? watching other successful relationships? literature? ...so i guess my question in thinking on this is actually- is our perception indeed reality? i must admit, it has been hit and miss for me...sometimes i am dead on...other times, way, way off...did i say way off? oh yeah...

or maybe i am thinking, how much magic is in reality? is it all just an illusion? is what we want grounded on something that doesn't even exist? being the optimist that i am, i sure hope not...there is a line from "dreams for an insomniac" that has been my eternal influence in the realtionship catagory...

"anything less than extraordinary is simply not good enough"

this perception is the reality i long for...i will wait another ten years for this...until then i will drudge through the avenue of perception and wait for my reality to engulf me...

confronting the ghost

yesterday, as i reflected on my inner-ghost, i knew somehow that the ghost must be confronted...there is a universal rule with ghosts that if you see one, you acknowledge it, and ask it to leave...or at least it's a good legend...but as i started thinking more about it, i started to realize that all of us have things that we harbor- we let it fester within us and at times it begins to manifest itself in our lives...

things that remain in the dark are never exposed...upon exposure, you see the ghost a bit differently...sometimes, you don't see it at all anymore...

as i make my way into the next chapter of the year, i find myself in serious reflection of the last month...there are more ghosts that are needing to be filtered by the light- but after last night, i am not so hesitant anymore...it relieves the mystery to see something so scary exposed by the light...maybe how spiritual things work as well...if i find out, i'll pass along the info...

another test today...last one before the new semester...go team go...

revelation

i shouldn't post when i'm tipsy...