new deep...

i love john m...i have probably listened to "new deep" a thousand times...i have come to realize that is how it is with language...until you experience the word/s of the author - it's hard to connect...you can appreciate it or even admire it - like shakespeare - but until you are juliet, or some other character that seems illusive...it takes the experience to bring you to a new deep...

merton has been my companion of contemplation this summer...lately he has forced me to see what is life...he says that all the ordering, smoothing, hacking, competing - this is all a form of death...life on the other hand is the negation of all these things we as a society strive towards...the unexpected is mostly met with a determination to order...the uncontrollable is encountered with a will that is taught to control...the bumpy and possibly disdainful occurrences of life are to be fought with the power of taming...for merton there is no life in this way...it is death...

but a "rational" argument supposes that mind over matter is the answer...i would have to say - i am not sure anymore...if i create death in order to suppress conflict or uneasiness then life is not being lived...kata merton...there are arguments that only would rely on what one "can" do...but i am slowly starting to see that situations are too large for me...i have "deathed" many things...because "living" hurts...

in the stillness of the past few days new things have been born...i find myself living contrary and even against what is considered to be the norm...it is interesting i use the word - living...i am convinced that it takes courage to "live" according to what merton says is life...it is awkward and mostly - not how we do things here in the american way of life...the american way of life seems to thrive on orderedness, prettiness, control - a regular "we do this because EVERYONE does"...i don't think i have ever felt more alone...and the happier for it...

alanis thanked everything from Providence to India to disillusionment...she says that the moment she let go is the moment she got more than she could handle...and the moment she jumped up is the moment that she touched down...i confess - i have unabashedly bawled my eyes out - in this new deep...