memorial highway...

they didn't name US281 the memorial highway for nothing...i don't think i will ever forget this day...it's december- and thunderstorms are not usual this time of year...especially those that produce tornadoes...

growing up in clay county you learn to detect the signs of bad weather...wall clouds, green tint to the sky, rain stopping and starting aggressively, hail- all are signs that could foster bad weather conditions...as i turned on to the memorial highway outside of jacksboro, i decided to call home to see if i was missing something because ALL of the aforementioned conditions were present...

as i call my mom assures me that it is just a "watch" and that the threat level was not elevated...(i feel like freakin fox news right now)...not ten minutes down the road i came around a corner and beheld the end of a wall cloud over the road...the rain was pounding and i couldn't see five feet in front of me...

i know- stop the car you say- but in my precious mind getting past that wall cloud was the only motivator...memorial highway is a 2 laner and wouldn't you know a semi was headed my direction...i was trying to watch the wall cloud, see the rain, and not get blown on the other side of the road only to be flattened by an 18 wheeler...about that time, in the five feet i COULD see, the bottom of the funnel cloud was right in front of me whirling- debris and leaves were allowing me to see the circular bottom and it reached the width of the semi (on the other side of the road) all the way to the ditch on my right...before i could do anything else, i drove right through the bottom of the funnel cloud...

as i came out on the other side, i was driven to the side of the road but with no danger...the jeep still kept on a driving...i couldn't even look back to see what happened because i was in MAJOR freak out mode...as quickly as i could i hit call back to my mom and as she answered, i said, "i just ^%$#ing drove through a tornado!"...she calmly replied, "yes monica, it is a warning now and they have confirmed a touch down 10 miles north of mineral wells..." just as my mom said this, i saw the sign to the right that read "mineral wells 11mi"...

i screamed back at her many things, but most of all i was concerned that this might be it...who could imagine their time to go on memorial highway? she turned up the tv so i could listen to it over the phone as i was sobbing and praying to make it 11 mi more...there is nothing but fields and two lanes on this road...the ditch is not even deep enough to cower in...

with my body shaking in spasms and still crying vehemently, i talked to my mom until i reached the town were celebrities of old used to come and spend their vacations for the healing springs...i drove through a tornado...my jeep is stellar...i never want to do anything remotely close to that ever again in my life...

about two hours down the road, i decided to call a few people...only to tell them how very much i love them...i figured that if i would have died today, there were a few people that i wanted to know explicitly how much they mean to me...and they wouldn't have known...

it was crazy the rest of the trip...a few more traumatic times, but no twisters...one was enough...tornadoes in december? this definitely is a tale to tell about one afternoon in december on memorial highway...

peculiar stage...

i am both happily existing- and sadly enduring my lack of love life...

table of knowledge...

last night, i meandered downtown to my favorite pub to just sit and talk with the locals...my sister used to tell me about this certain place in the pub called the "table of knowledge"...to sit at this table you had to be invited...made up of mostly men, a few women, lots of smokers, and meeting primarily at happy hour- they possess traits of humor weaved with truth...

so, i spent about two hours visiting with the "founder" of the ToK...i think it was quite possibly one of the most striking conversations i have ever had at the pub...this man was entirely unassuming...we covered all the no-no's of the bar talk...first the prison system- then politics- which i was amazed at his convictions- then religion....specifically proving God exists...which, we know is impossible...except when this man said: "when we quit killing one another- and start taking care of the land we possess- this will be the kingdom of god...." by trade he is a plumber...in the greater picture, he may be a prophet...

i pray for peace daily...i would have done anything for a tape recording of our conversation...go talk to someone today...meander somewhere and engage in the humanity around you...found your own "table of knowledge"...talk about life, the world, and who you are in it...tread into the no-no's for the sake of learning about another human being...abundant riches lie within this...i found a treasure myself last night...

holiday...

for some insane reason, i went to the movies at 9:50 last night...it was an icky, love-infested, magic christmas flick...it took me about 1.5 hours to settle into the movie...it was only two hours long...that tells you how wired i am...it's been a crazy few days with debauchery and goodness...those two can actually live dialectically together...

on the run this morning, the rain fell in a drizzle...i was thankful for many things...breath- life- love- beauty- 19th c. russian novels- and water...oh, and starbucks...and beautiful men...especially beautiful men...named ________...

i tried to tell everyone merry christmas before i left...but i am sure i missed someone...so, now that i have quit having nightmares that i left something stupid in parenthesis in my greek paper- like (go do research on angels)- then not do it and leave it in there was truly brilliant...i actually slept non-stop last night...thank god for progress...peace to all today in this war torn world...

holocaust...a hallucination?

read here...then, be prepared for stomach cramps and nausea to follow...possibly a bit of vomit in the back of your throat...i am concerned about a freaking paper due and there are actually those in this world who want to denounce one of the greatest annihilations of humanity? dear god, what the *%#$ is going on?

not to mention the 10,000 who died in darfur today from starvation or genocide...i suppose this too is mere myth? there are actual "scholars" who would propose this?

i am perplexed about a few things: 1- david duke, KKK leader, is participating in this conference and upholding and applauding those who have conclusively decided that it was a mere figment of our imagination that 6 million jews died in gas chambers... for the sake of "power"...2) during human rights week, of all weeks, do we insult those who either are still living (elie wiesel) or those whose parents, grandparents, etc died unjustly at the hands of prejudice...lord have mercy upon us...

ushering in the eschaton...

i realize that many of us are on the verge of losing what little sanity we could attribute to ourselves in these last hours of work...i think i am in a small realm of denial of all the work ahead of me...i haven't kept a tedious list as some of my classmates have...to this- i have no offering except for trying to usher in the eschaton...sans finals...oh yes...

it's monday...i have a huge final at 2:30pm tomorrow over world religions...written...essays...definitions...ouch...this might be the first all-nighter of the week...

world religions interview with person of religious orientation other than protestant...my best bet is to sit at jp's for a couple of hours and beg a few moments of someone's time...looking on the bright side, it could foster a new relationship...good for all...

greek is going to be fine...i wonder at my inability to be stressed about it...

law and grace final project? if i had a memory card that could be pulled out and recorded for the endless hours of contemplation, i would have this project in the bag in excess...

well...with this being said, i hope you are in much better shape than myself...if not, let me know when you make it so we can rejoice together...freedom of labor is what i am living for...amen...

metaphors...

jensen: "did you know that king solomon dated pharoah's daughter?"

me: "yeah, he dated like a 1000 women..."

jensen: "that's like harriet tubman getting it on with the captain of a slave ship...it's called hypocrisy"


*this is what happens during dead week...

tattooed for safety?

i just read an article that took a poll saying 39% of americans think muslims should be " identified with a crescent-shape tattoo or a distinctive arm band"...you know- maybe this radio host should wear a swastika distincitive arm band to inform people of his prejudices...in fact, it might help us to either: 1- remember what happened last time we tattoed people of a certain faith (aka holocaust) 2- be reminded that intolerance leads to annihilation or something shy of it...

the christian tradition tends to think they have/are going to be martyrs...in light of history and now the ongoing suspicion of islam- i think both judaism and islam are suffering due to ecclesiastical elitism...produced mostly by godfearing americans...

breedlove...

let's rewind 10 years ago...first of all, people underestimate rhythm...i was sitting in stubb's in lubbock- i was newly married and my husband and i were drinking shiner- we were in a trance- a rhythmical trance- produced from the syncopation and drive of music...my husband and i were in a band as well at the time, so we were already past the observation mode into the "event" mode...i remember what it smelled like...i remember looking at him and smiling because without even saying a word, we both knew what the other was thinking...

i am sure it is rhythm...it produces breath every day...it helps us walk...it helps us brush our teeth...i remember my own heartbeat synchronizing with scott's as we lay in bed at night...rhythm is the invisible mechanism that drives most of the day's activities...the tide...the sunset...transportation...birth...it's driving us...it doesn't recognize time...it only "rebirths" the memories of long ago...

fast forward 10 years...i am no longer married...and there are days i wake up and regret it...in the beginning of my grief i was intent on surviving...blaming the dis-synchronizing on him...he quit...which made me fail by default...the simultaneous "knowing" had vanished...the rhythm of love, life, committment- we quit hearing it as well as we once did- sitting in stubb's over shiner and breedlove...but last night, as i watched this well oiled rhythm machine again- it took me to a place of remembrance...i was in the "event" last night was just as i was 10 years ago...this time, i was alone...and i drank newky brown instead...the only connection i had with those around me was the trance we were all subjected to by this band...powerful...

the days are gone that i reflect on this part of my life...the rhythm of forgiveness entered a while back...forgiveness helped me to reconnect with the rhythm that birthed me...reconnected me to why i loved scott to begin with...reconnected me to want him to have that rhythm again in his life...it also reminded me that we can never really be separate from it...sure we move on...but the rhythm of what brought us together will always be a part of the fabric of my being...i believe that i will always love him...because the rhythm of life brought us together...and we betrayed it...for whatever reason...it doesn't matter anymore...i have discovered that my resistance to the rhythm has been far more detrimental than the living in it...fighting it produces so many offbeats that it is impossible to connect with anyone...letting it embrace you?- i think this is where synchronization/rebirth begins...

for a while i have believed myself to be "healthy"...free from ________....fill it in...last night i stood in a room full of strangers and never shed a tear about how it used to be...instead i thought "my god...i am exactly as i was 10 years ago"...even though i am not...how can an "event" transcend time? i don't know the answers...but i know it's true...maybe rhythm is a good starting place...

love, actually...

ridiculous as it seems, this pic makes me truly happy and in the "magical" nostalgia realm...at the very end, it shows person after person hugging and kissing one another as they meet in the airport...when you view the world from this lens, it makes much of my skepticism melt...

so to all-

"God only knows what i'd be without you...."