...and we'll hold on to you...

the last month has been a crazy time...i have travelled...i have slept on an assortment of aerobeds...i have grown to love fresh vegetables more than ever...

but more than anything, i have learned about being presbyterian...as i sit with yet another door closed, i reflect on what a beloved professor wrote to me a few weeks back...as i confessed my willingness to hold on to hope, he exclaimed back: "you hold on to hope...and we will hold on to you..."

and as he promised that you all indeed would hold on to me, i humbly say thanks...and i feel certain, when the tides turn and you are holding on to hope - i will hold on to you...


quote from the most beloved d.w. johnson

on the road again...texas style...

well, it has been approximately four months since i left the falls to land in the west of wyoming...a lot has happened in four months...

favorite things:

IV teaching me to fly fish
spending the summer with whitney
weekly solo hikes in the shoshone
lava mountain lodge
lucy and derek
farmers market in denver
pretending i am a carpenter

unfavorite things:

i can't really think of any...


i am peacing out for the weekend...still don't know anything about the future...i'm gonna try and forget this weekend about anything that has to do with things i know nothing about :)

real-ness...

as i watched the daily show last night, i realized that john's really ticked off self was telling the truth in so many ways..."real americans do THIS"...

for some time now, i have felt this same type of scenario erupting in the church..."real christians do THIS"...somehow, there has been this linking and equation shifting that essentially says this: "real american christians do THIS"...




today, i feel that this is a very, very dangerous equation to start putting up as the litmus test...progressive christians are often accused of not being patriotic...they are often labeled as "socialists"...i have even been accused of not "loving jesus as much as me" (quoted from another)...it's as if critical thinking or contextual critique to the traditional system is - lately the word communist has been used the most...for example: dr. king critiquing the social system of inequality...labeled a communist - labeled unpatriotic - and so on...then murdered...


IF truth of real-ness is assessed through the judgment of another, who happens to have the power to connect the dots?...wow... this seems to resemble other times in history where humanity was assessed and divided through the eyes of power...then punished for not fitting the equation...

i don't like this word REAL...it's very presumptuous...presumptuous in the sense that power dictates what REAL looks like...that kind of power scares me...

settle...

i think even my passions are confused and possibly at odds with something i can't name right now...i have a serious longing to somehow run into that one in a billion (as annie dillard likes to call it) and talk for days on end over coffee, malbec, and steamed vegetables or lollipops - i don't really care right now...

see that's funny...i want to run into the one in a billion and i don't care at all whether it happens with lollipops or malbec...something is strangely afoot with my passions...sunny days and park benches seem nice...rainy days and porches sound nice too...lately there has been an extraordinary amount of days that are lived in waiting...i can't decide if waiting makes you dis-impassioned...or if it settles passion rightly...see my dilemma?

there are a few things i know that i feel passionate about: getting to a place where i can sleep in the same bed for at least one month - uninterrupted...the red sox winning game 7 tomorrow (and this is because i love derek a lot and his passion can easily be transferred to me - i have time to deal with it )...and not letting hope slip away from my present state...i didn't realize one must be passionate about not letting hope dissolve...

it's time to settle...and i need to settle good folks...i need to settle good - fast...as merton would pray - oh lord, come to my aid...

the american dream...

over the last three weeks, i have cringed every time a presidential candidate suggested his economic plan guarantees you and i to "get back" the american dream...

wiping my butt with excess dollar bills was never my idea of the american dream...my dream never existed in a realm where i possessed millions of dollars and owned nine houses...

joe the plumber is stating that his american dream is not to share the wealth..."it's mine, all mine" he might say...so i am guessing the american dream is to help a citizen get as rich as they possibly can, hord all their possessions, remove the word "share" from the communal values of the country - because god forbid we help a neighbor out anymore...it's mine - all mine...the american dream...

i am ashamed that the american dream is cloaked with selfishness...i am ashamed that the american idea of "dream" is something that denies a basic philosophy of loving your neighbor as yourself...some people would tell me to shut the hell up - the bible has nothing to do with capitalism and non-distribution of wealth...i beg to differ...remember that small community in acts 2? economy was a BIG freakin deal to them...

i don't want to get back the american dream...partially because in about thirty years, we are going to be right back where we are today, trying to offer frustrated citizens a glimpse of how it used to be...

regarding money - i can't really recall any instructions by jesus to gather and hord...zaccheus had to pay it all back...matthew had to pay it all back...the rich young ruler had to sell it all...ananais and sapphira died because they withheld some of their capital...making money isn't the dream...giving it away is...

so what does a pastor say regarding the american dream? i would probably get stoned to death...

convictions...

as of late, i have been mulling over how to get people to talk about their convictions...not in a dominating "we vs. them" kind of way...but a way in which one may discover why on earth the present convictions are so strong...

for instance - take into consideration my conviction that peanut butter on wheat is best experienced with these additions: onion - or smashed up lays potato chips...why? thank you for asking...

my first experience with peanut butter and onion was the summer of 1991...i was living in a state park, working as a missionary for the southern baptist church...i lived largely among retired folk who roamed the country in airstream trailers...all summer long nancy tried to get me to try it...i finally relented three days before i was to leave...it was sort of a giving in to her because she had been so supportive of me all summer long...(this was my way of paying her back - trying her lunatic preference of pb/o)...seriously, she was thrilled...

as i took the first bite, i am sure that you can imagine my disdain...it had never sounded good to me...those two combined together made me throw up a little bit in my throat when i thought about it...my natural prejudice - born from my preconceived convictions of the two tastes independently - could not sort out how someone might like this...until i experienced it...

i feel certain that calvin's experience of critiquing the catholic church was not because of some tradition that demanded he do so...he did not get a phrase like "infallibility" and scream it over and over again to the catholic church...he studied...he talked...he fought...he prayed...he fellowshipped...he wrote two institutes by the age of 28...he was busy trying to help us with interpreting convictions...more or less, the protestant break off was convinced of its liberties found in grace...the new hermeneutic...one that calvin used throughout much of his writings - because of his strong conviction - which was through his experience...

i know...postmodern thought is killing us isn't it?...it's because we are stuck using enlightenment language as we try to evaluate experience - which is hardly measurable according to a scale...it's easier to hold experience up to a law and measure it that way...unless your experience is negated by the law...

no one can convince me that pb and o is distasteful... it's according to monica...thank god there is no sola pbj statements out there...just as no one can tell me my convictions are not valid and vice versa...this "according to" needs to be reevaluated..."according to mark"..."according to calvin"..."according to whoever is sharing their conviction at the time"...why is this so hard?

i think it is hard mostly because convictions are often based on power...the majority...to be convinced of something against the majority is not fun...it is painful...it is disturbing...it sometimes isolates you...but if "according to" is really something, don't be afraid to walk humbly with it...explore why you are "convicted" about it...test it against the traditions...explore the traditions to see why they were convinced of their convictions...it's endless and tiring...

i'm tired right now because then there is the seperation of "according to conservatives" and "according to liberals" and we are right back at the beginning of not being able to discuss our convictions...the powers are equal in strength and no one is yielding...

i'm convicted about that right now...

i heart louisville...

when ryan and mere picked me up, we drove around the city getting to the hotel...they took me to bardstown (where they live)...it was surreal to be with them in another city, another time - although their presence was as familiar to me as all those night behind currie...



the interview went well...the most feared question was "what does it mean to be presbyterian?" i had to confess, it is still being revealed to me...i grew up in the theology of independence of others...it is humbling to submit to a group of people...trust them to walk with you...praise or admonish you...not be able to make a decision without them or their own discerning...



i really had a good time...i can only hope they felt the same about me...i think i have to wait a little over a week to even find out what is up...it is possible there are other inteviews next week with other candidates...after something as good as yesterday, it's very, very hard to wait...the excitement is seeking a release...



the city is amazing...there are huge, gothic churches on EVERY corner of downtown...it's strange...they are all empty...

thanks to all of you who gave a shout out to me and remembered me all day long on friday...thanks be to God...for everything...

where in the world is...

i can't figure out what time it is...i get confused as to whether or not we are EST or CST...i now realize i am an hour ahead of time....

hung out with the kemp-pappans last night...they are great! ryan just started his new position and mere is kickin it at the PCUSA center downtown...i didn't realize how much i miss everyone...and i have seen almost everyone from my posse this summer alone...except the jensens and i will see emily next sunday...it's strange...

going for the interview at 1:30...that's all i can say....

sweetest thing...

so this is who i have spent the last five days with...she has a new sister/brother on the way any day now...the due date is past and i feel that i soon as i step on the plane to louisville, she/he will decide it's time to get out of the womb...

she's pretty funny - anne - and she is precisely the definition of strong-willed...it is agreed that if something should ever happen to her parents, she would come and belong to me...i am the adult version of strong-willed ...she is the two year old version...it doesn't look good...

but we love each other...i tried to get her to call me "jo-jo" from my middle name "joann"...kids can't say monica...it's virtually impossible to speak a coherent three syllable word at the age of 11months...so - i opted for a shorter, somewhat snazzy, goddaughter likeable name...which in the end, came out as "ju-ju"...which again, is tolerable...even sweet...

i have to leave her today...when i drove up on friday, she was waiting in the door jumping up and down screaming "juuuuuuu-juuuuuu"....it was the sweetest thing for a 37 year old woman with no children...i suppose these are things we never forget...especially for the strong-willed...

ps - i will tell all after friday...

weather change...

is anyone else's face filled with snot? love the fall - hate the allergies...

nomadic update...

so i have watched about two hours of CNN today...this is really not a usual part of the day - it just so happened that my sinuses are making my face run at a rate of one kleenex box per hour...

many of you have asked 'what up' with the future...the call...the next step...options...possibilities...etc...the only thing that i do know is that i am going to louisville, kentucky on the 9th of october to interview for a program assistant position that is grant funded...the position will help and assist with certain programs through the office of theology and worship and also the church re-formation branch...it is a highly organizational/public relations position - which i like...as each day passes, louisville seems to be a place that is strong - concerning the future...tons of people say "you'll just know" which i have a huge problem with because - do you know me? i don't just "know" about anything...i can't decide what to have for lunch unless there is a grilled cheese and soup available...maybe this time it will be different...

which makes watching CNN a little nerve racking...IF i move, and i want to try to buy a house - it looks like that is going to be akin to a camel going through the eye of a needle...it's funny to be at this juncture in your life only to have the economy restrict you...bring on the communal living :)

a week from now i will know a lot more than today...but i just wanted to share a little of the journey...