the reality of failure brings a sobriety that halts all current successes...as each hour passes, things i have never feared are slowing rearing up within my comfortable existence...there were a few moments today that i wanted to know what made me so uncomfortable about failure...i think it has to do with being thrown right back into other places in the past where failure was the demise of my sanity...
there are places within history that hold a particular feeling...i can hear air supply's "i'm all out of love..." and i can remember this road trip my grandmother took me on to new mexico in a red monte carlo...every radio station between the falls and alberquerque played the song every hour on the hour...i guess it is safe to assume that when failure comes along, even when it is not meant to be detrimental, it carries you- no- it throws you back into the particular place where you were basically suffocating from shame...
the pressure gets turned up the next time you attempt to overcome failure...take relationships for instance, doesn't failure in the past seemingly navigate the current situation? without any major intention, the past ends up dictating the present with pin pricks of pain to remind you of what once happened...
i wish i was tougher...for a lack of finding a better word at the present...i wish there was some way to not let failure be a chord that is constantly tying one situation to another...is there some particular room in the depths of the invisible soul that is for all the failure moments? and for however long you stay there, whatever is present gets drug into that room? i don't know...but i am looking for the shoot that functions as the escape route...i don't care how long of a drop it is...i just want to climb into it and get the hell out of that invisible space that i never really wanted to go to anyway...it's that thrown thing again...can you throw yourself out of it?
this sounds terribly depressing...and maybe it is...all the situations that have thrown me into that room have been powerful...what's funny is that there was no time limit or test that allowed me to recover...it was a part of living...healing...maybe that is what this is as well...living...healing...
i would like to say that through writing this it all looks better...quite frankly, it doesn't...how do you fight failure? how do you say to the invisible, put up your dukes? how do you fight the spirit? do you have to pull yourself by the proverbial bootstraps? work harder?
it's not fair to the reader for you to think this is all about ord results...it is sort of the catalyst, but i tend to evaluate
everything when i happen upon situations such as these...failing a test has never been on my radar...but i have failed in relationships, duties, general living experiences...i just wonder how i got over it so that i can get over this? part of me wonders if i ever really did get over it...maybe we never do...we just keep trying...and when the chord connects again, we either eventually cut it- or we use it as a reminder that we move on...still connected...we bring the past with us, but we move on...
