fate, texas

on my way to texarkana the other day, i passed through a town called fate...i don't know why i expected some place that would instantly illuminate me to the possibilities of the future...but i gave it a shot...from city limit to city limit i held my breath in hopes of some great insight i could only get from a place called fate...

alas, it did not work...i'm not really one of those people...i simply believe that the day IS what the day IS...so, as i drove through the second time, instead of expecting the great vision- i exhaled and wondered if people actually move there to gain insight...

for those of us outside those city limits, i feel safe in saying we all really want to know, right? isn't this why we wake up every day? besides the joys of morning coffee, what else happens that ensures us we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing?

last night, i watched again for the hundreth time, big moving to napa valley and leaving carrie behind...it doesn't matter how many times i watch this, i expect fate to take a turn somehow...delusional, i know...but i still think there is a part of me that hopes that time can take an unexpected turn - even if that moment has proven otherwise a series of time before...

maybe this is my hope in the new day...the baptism of another sunrise...that life is more than just fate...even when there is a sign saying that "this is the place"...it's october...i have never felt the call to be brave like i have this week...brave in the sense of accepting and believing in my call...it's time to put it out there...be brave and do what i want to do...be brave and seek out the things that invoke passion...be brave and live into the new day...the nuni de, baptism, all the things that make us new...in some sense, i could call it fate...

but i would vote to change the signpost to "intentioned, texas"...it makes me feel braver about what today means...

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things that rock...

There is a communion of more than our bodies when bread is broken and wine drunk.
M. F. K. Fisher

Sharing food with another human being is an intimate act that should not be indulged in lightly.
M.F.K Fisher

musical pain killer...

the former post was inspired by NYTimes...

i just heard pebo bryson on the radio...the world is right again...

prisons purged of religious readings...

in order to secure the nation from more terrorists cells being built, someone, somewhere had the great idea of purging prison libraries of all religious material...what's hysterical is this quote:


"It’s swatting a fly with a sledgehammer,” said Mark Earley, president of Prison Fellowship, a Christian group. “There’s no need to get rid of literally hundreds of thousands of books that are fine simply because you have a problem with an isolated book or piece of literature that presents extremism.”

now, i'm a christian...but let's get serious...the bible isn't a piece of literature that presents extremism? my friends, it's sad on monday morning to be so pissed off...

“Government does have a legitimate interest to screen out things that tend to incite violence in prisons,” Mr. Laycock said. “But once they say, ‘We’re going to pick 150 good books for your religion, and that’s all you get,’ the criteria has become more than just inciting violence. They’re picking out what is accessible religious teaching for prisoners, and the government can’t do that without a compelling justification. Here the justification is, the government is too busy to look at all the books, so they’re going to make their own preferred list to save a little time, a little money.”

i wouldn't even call it too busy to look at books...i can think of a few more titles for a government that is allowed to do this at all...i can think of a few pertinent constitutional rights that are being violated...people, i propose that we start carrying around our constitutional rights...dhawn always tried to get me on board but it seemed a bit extreme...i will buy one for anyone who is willing to carry it...

helps of late...

rumi says things in ways that i wish i could...here's my favorite of late...

I called through your door,
"The mystics are gathering
in the street. Come out!"

"Leave me alone.
I'm sick."

"I don't care if you're dead!
Jesus is here, and he wants
to resurrect somebody!"

______________________

There is a way between voice and pleasure
where information flows.

In disciplined silence it opens.
With wandering talk it closes.

wow...

in an attempt to understand or center on my onset of weariness, i think mainly i am mourning the fact that i am no longer hiking the san juan mountains...instead i am trapped in some highly evolved place of academia (which i love don't get me wrong) and i am not doing a good job of connecting what i was there- with what i am here...oh, except when i took the benchmark tests of my vocational calling last week...it is the only time i have felt truly disconnected...

in a good way...one of my fellow backpackers came back and reacted with anger...maybe i have some of that...i still want to be seated around the fire at night and climb into a sweet bag and get great sleep...i want to wake knowing that i will see a great deal of uncharted territory...i have to wonder am i delusional? according to the pastoral counseling book i just read - yes...

i joke, but seriously, i am disturbed...i can't read anything without fighting it...the content, that is...all this great authorship defining us as being gifts to one another...i wonder how many of us feel that way about one another...just today, i was reminded how bad it hurts to realize one might not see you as a gift...and even more horrifying is that i had to consider my own failure to recognize the gift of others around me and how their life is a part of mine...and i cry...

i think that's why i like the trees and the grass...the stars and the meadows...i see them as gifts and it's quite possible they see me as a gift as well...at least i can hope...i use the grass to lay my head at night...i watch the moon come into view and count how many different star designs come into sight throughout the night...i enjoy them - maybe they enjoy me...i participated in their being...it's deeper than spoken language...and there is a mutual peace there...with humans, i screw everything up...

you are my gift dear reader...

things that make me...

i went to bed on friday night at 12am...i think :) and did not even attempt to arouse until 8pm on saturday...woke up, watched all the catch ups for entourage, then happily embarked in another round of sleeping until 9:30 am on sunday...i think i have sufficiently caught up on whatever it was i was depriving myself of...i feel somewhat reborn...

there are certain things that actually drain me of energy...for instance, filling out paperwork...i would much rather bang my head against a wall...literally...it exhausts me to fill out a piece of paper with pertinent information regarding who i am...name, gender, race, ss#, address, phone #...it all is draining...much less a paper that requires additional information that i find to be irrelevant when you have to do it anyway...no matter what you say on the added information sheet, you are still required to fulfill this requirement...this my friends is probably the reason i slept for 36 hours straight...avoiding all tedious things which require information and more information...

is this a personality disorder? like running errands...they drain the life out of me...i don't know what to call this other than a personal problem...am i a member of some personality gene that hates and runs from paperwork? i am sure that there is a drug company that could help my dilemma...or a good counselor...

well, here we go...the final season of the seminary journey...it's sad to say, but i still have no idea where this road is leading...i guess oct. 22 will be a telling day...when i find out that i have to take any certain number of the ords over again...after 36 hours of sleep, i am not the least bit bothered by it...

happy last weekend before the last season begins...i am already sad...i realized this weekend that what i have here will probably never be duplicated again in my life...i don't know what to do with this...enjoy it while it lasts i presume...so i will probably be over-lovey...sorry em...i will kiss you many times this year... :)