post radiation man

for the most part, mid-winter lecture series is about a bunch of people getting together, maybe about class reunions, which i was personally invited to by "nooner"- or to hear the president of some other pcusa seminary speak- or the synod director, or whoever-even air force one was involved tonight- it could spell complete boredom for some- but for the circle of friends containing shanaynay, sheniqua, and nooner- dude, what a great night...

i would like to point out that there was some serious attraction between the "x-man" and the nooner- but, i did not witness it's fruition...maybe tomorrow? spasmatics tomorrow?

also, i do not know how this happens- but i got rejected from a towel dispenser tonight- talk about low- it was one of those that has an automated sensor for dispensing the towels to you-i waved my hand in front of the light and nothing happened... it's a good thing that i am not fragile or i might have cried- nooner saw it and laughed at me...

tonight, i heard songs that contained the lyrics "radiation man", "when are we gonna have sex again", and "we are angels"... somewhere inbetween all of those lyrics, the nooner made her move on the x-man... it might be worth it to keep us all updated on this event...

to date, i have accumulated some seriously incredible friends...i have also established that the majority of my friendships have been based on the fact that we all have a policy that prohibits any type of carnation being passed between us or the rest of the world...in my opinion, that is enough to lay the foundations for some serious relationships...thus, the world of emmy, georgy, dusk or "nooner", and myself has been established...amen until later...

carnuba wax rocks

so? it has all been completed...the brew is over...except for the next semester which entails a regimented exegesis of the OT...so what? walk in the park...we have andy to deal with...

one interesting thing that happened to me today was my realization of my particular fascination of air force one...i cannot fully explain it, but it drives me crazy not knowing how to handle this phenomenon...suggestions?

also, i think that people are in favor of hot tamales...several people today affirmed their love for them but as elvis pointed out, even though they have "extra kick" now, cinnamon is not in the ingredients...but as i pointed out, carnuba wax is...and let me tell you, this wax is one of my personal favorites...it is also in sixlets...one of my other favorite candies...

i have nothing but love for the world right now...it is as if all the craziness of the last month has come to a screeching halt and there is silence and rest enveloping the senses...i am going to embrace that right now...it is late, but i must say- i feel good...

icee vs. slushee

it just occurred to me that i have not blogged in a few days...the haze has been extra thick this weekend...

spontaneous journeys always spark some type of random revelation...in target, emmy suggested a "white cherry icee"...1) why did they take the red out? well of course emmy would know- "it's better for your teeth", she said...i actually believe her...it kind of reminds me, when icees were red, of those tablets the dentist used to give you in elementary school along with the toothbrush and toothpaste...your supposed to brush, then pop a tablet to see if there are any red spots on your teeth- which would indicate you missed a spot while brushing...well, i did that one time before our family portrait was to be taken...wanted nice teeth...my mother screamed, "of course your entire mouth is red!! they wanted you to brush your teeth!!" needless to say, my teeth were not the only thing red that day...my butt matched it...terrible family photo...

so 2) i love it that the flavor does not separate from the ice...the quality of texture in an icee- there is just no comparison with the 7-eleven slushee...down to the last of the cup even, flavor still hanging in there...seriously, does it get any better? i loved target before, but now that i know there are icees there- maybe i will see you there...

recap of weekend: last hebrew test-besides final-drank beer: friends came in town: drank two nice mango margarita icees at vivo: visited papps at crown with friends-drank more beer: am currently feeling the effects: final tomorrow-drink more beer bought by professor: starting AA on tuesday

hazed and mildly confused

10 reasons for the 'brew' in j-term:

10- somewhere, within the realm of providence, persons responding to “the call” were woven with the need to satisfy their knowledge concerning waw conversives-there was an actual audible exhale in week #2

9- the only time you will ever hear Ted say “suck it up”

8- only hebrew teachers know the meaning of buying the “first round” at the crown after the final- it is not just for the students-it is even on the syllabus

7- pastorally speaking, do we care about constructs? when we will ever endure something like- in this essay, give the ‘so what’ of infinitive constructs- on ords? seriously?

6- to discover that this class was in fact meant to be a form of hazing...there were no late night raids or beer drinking through a bong- wait- i'm wrong- it is very similiar to an organizational rite of passage- remember, we are now a rare breed-not just anyone can read hebrew- even though we have to look everything up

5- to learn (infinitive) of exceptions (prep + object-plural) in every rule (prep phrase) is (verb) exhausting (verbal adjective= participle)

4- TA’s are graced with patience, facial hair, and blazers

3- instead of spanglish, we have hebrish- it’s all tov!

2- the only place where you can debate on whether you have been furnished with a “lexicon” or a “glossary” in the back of your textbook (see emily vs. joseph case# WTF2006)

1- to be able to handle dearman again in the spring- one semester of ‘ba-als’ and ‘hookers for jesus’ wasn’t enough- bring it on- in hebrew this time

the day of poingnancy

i have recently discovered Merton's daily readings...very nice by the way...today's reflection was on simplicity...days that are filled with information, emotions, revelations- they do not seem to contain what i would call simplicity...

Merton says:

"The word that comes closest to pointing to it is simple. It was all simple. But a simplicity to which one seems to aspire, only seldom to attain. A simplicity, that is, that has and says everything just because it is simple."

in this world of detoxification that i have submerged myself into, i must remember that it is not as complicated as i may think...steady...see the simplicity of smiles...the simplicity of a good hair day...the simplicity of a contagious laugh...the simplicity of breakfast tacos.......i'm getting there...

oh the beauty of a winter that is infused with spring...let this day be of honoring the simple...

it's the final countdown

no, not the song from some crazy band in 1989...what was their name? mmmmmmm...way too many years ago...i know that elvis will know the answer to that question...

not so many days ago, the ancient hebrew language was placed before a classroom full of overtly intelligent people...over the process of days and weeks, the language itself has bombarded its way into the very air that has been breathed...it has seeped into the very marrow of their bones...it has settled into the senses of their bodies...in the famous words of one extremely diligent student, he said "ih'sall tov..." this is the summation of the last few weeks of incredible anxiety, heartbreak, hard work, and determination...this classroom of students has done nothing except eat, breathe, vomit, and intake all that they could regarding the waw conversive qal imperfect weak verbs with prenomial suffixes with a preposition and definite article leading the verb... identifying this type of sentence structure can give you some insight as to why it actually took so long to write down the hebrew scriptures...it could also make one more sympathetic to the hebrew children in their erroneous ways...translation is a bitch...

my friends, fear not...for lo, i am with you always, even unto the end of hebrew j-term...amen

ridiculous obsession

if it is true, that the greatest thing you will ever do is to just love and be loved in return- i think i am screwed...

cathartic moments happen in seasons for me...yesterday started this season...i could not fathom how once something gets broken, particularly your heart, how does it mend so that it can perform the same functions it was currently performing at the same performance level? my rationale told me that it doesn't...hence started the catharticacy...

i invision it this way...many great writers of the truly great love stories always wrote with tragedy...one of the loved ones die...this totally sucks in my opinion...but as i have seen the story unfold in my own life, it is such that i was surrounded, enveloped by peers and i was figuratively holding my dead mate and everyone was watching- but no one could do anything to keep me from getting broken...even if they held me, what i was holding died anyway...

i was struck with sheer panic yesterday...i am thirty four...seriously...i have truly f'd up some things...but even honesty about who you are does not put you back to the beginning...it is true that i have found solace in believing that i am a different, better person through all that i have endured...yesterday, i pulled some type of card on myself- but it wasn't the BS card...it was the holy shit card...am i taking enough risks daily? do i practice what i want in my life? do i believe in this idea of sincere, ridiculous obession? not yesterday- it reminded me of how much it freakin' hurt...hence the catharticacy...

some people settle for whatever...i am convinced that my genetics are not engineered that way...there are days when i wish that i possessed no knowledge of good love...then i could rely on stupidity and never know the difference...hence....you know...

i had a dream the other night about saying goodbye to a friend...some people describe the type of love we search for in terms of not imagining any day without seeing or being near this person...i have only met one person like that- hence, i broke when the day came and i could not see him anymore...i guess i ask, does this event happen to a person twice in one lifetime? i guess it would be forthright to say i freakin hope so, or i am screwed...i told emmy yesterday that i don't know of one thing in this world that when it gets broken, it gets restored to its first and true nature...so, she suggested that i need a shrink, gave me a box of kleenex and fed me two double gin and tonics...it was a nice anasthetic to my catharticacy...

today the numbness is gone...but the question still lingers...isn't it always this way?

poison control?

i hate catch phrases...garbage in garbage out...lookout for the flying nun...don't know wha-chu got til it's gone...takes one to know one...whatever it is, it annoys me...

i am about to complete week three of the abrupt and significant stoppage of the fag...i have not worn a patch all week and i started thinking about the poison aspect of it today...how long does it take for poison to get out of your body? i smoked for 9 years...not heavily, but enough to be addicted...maybe it is the constant irritation that is getting me...for the most part, you would not meet a happier person than myself...but this stopping of the poison has created this alternate species (what is the singular of this word?) of personality that i am not used to...when you are not feeding your body poison, where does it get its supply? it's really beating me up today...it's mad...and it makes me mad at others at a much quicker rate than usual...

maybe all addictions are this way...you spend a significant amount of time inhaling, drinking, whatever and then when it gets cut off, the poison tries to hang in there at all costs...i've never had to quit anything before and to realize that a poison has been controlling me is....sad.....

to all who are loving me despite my "edginess" i am so grateful...i had no idea it would be like this...can i detox faster? or is this the path that you naturally inherit when you quit something?...maybe the real question is- is it just as ugly coming out as it was going in?

is life really one big musical?

as i hear "jesus christ superstar" playing in the background- i find myself wondering if we are all really singing along to the same tune and playing out the roles that we were designed for...there is the chorus, the mighty chorus singing in harmony and with confidence- for we believe what we are singing...then there are the solos- the voice of reason or the personification of the struggle of the moment...it seems ironic how life imitates art- or does art imitate life? this is a reflexive statement-at least to me...

providentially, i don't mind thinking about us singing to the same tune...in fact, it makes my world of theology seem bearable...there is always the unbearable, but to know that we are all sincerely "one voice" makes the contemplation of the daily grind eventful...since we are walking together i can look around at others...i can walk with others knowing we are in this together...i fear our culture has taught us that we are all solos...not a chorus...that we understand ourselves only individually, apart from others....if i am thinking about relationality, maybe none of us knows who we are- especially if we are not participating in the chorus...

imperative hebrew verbs...they occur in the 2nd person...the familiarity and closeness of a person...in spanish, you can only speak in this number if you are close friends or family...in hebrew, it is assumed that you are in the family...you belong...you were always apart of the imperative statements made by the tetragrammaton...isn't this lovely? what is more interesting is that in english, we use this number frequently...to whoever...there is no "special value" appointed to it...how sad...we do not even know the value of addressing another...the specialness of that number...

another test tomorrow...we need some significant grace right now...the trick is, i think the grace is there for the taking...and we don't take it...can we take it? God grant us the ability to fall into grace today...let us walk right off into it- together- so that the experience is one such as the hebrew children felt when you delivered them from their enemy...maybe we can somehow become a chorus for one day...

ups and downs of debauchery

as usual, it all starts at the Crown...we finally received our theology grades and as we considered ways in which to express our jovility, only one made sense -to drink beer...(infinitive- to drink)

well, that was the first mistake, although i had already finished my brew homework and actually understood it...in today's reflection of the chain of events that unfolded throughout last evening, i will confess that there are parts missing...BUT, i have concluded that those who walked in the debauchery with me are some of the most incredible people i have ever met...

as i have grown into my mid thirties, i have come to consider many a topic...debauchery is one i have spent many minutes evaluating...only to consider why someone might choose to avoid it, or might choose to embrace it...isn't this what it boils down to? classically, isn't this the first situation humanity was faced with regarding choices? which way are you going to go? pick the fruit or quit talking to snakes? it's tough...then there is the blame game that starts its perpetual cycle until you wind up right back in front of the tree...same story, ga-zillionth verse...the path has been beaten down so that the way to the tree is inevitable...maybe? in this pensive moment, i ponder how many times i have been to the tree? just today?

i say all of this to make the point that....dude, that was soooo tim coming out right there...i just heard him say this in my head...the ups to debauchery are definitely in the present state of exercising debauchery...even the memories of it...the downs are in the after-effects of the debauchery...i'm sure you understand...

to the gang of random and frequent debauchery: when history finds its way into our mailboxes, let us again be in celebratory spirits...also, all of you are awesome...even though i did not see all of you today, i spent many moments laughing over last night...

happy MLK day

when the day starts with kerbey lane, you know it's going to be a good one...i tried this new plate called eggs fransican...i encourage you to try it...with a side of pancakes...gingerbread or pumpkin...

i opened up the table today to practice the massage thing...it's been a while, but all is well...i appreciate all of you who suffered through me getting my mojo back...i forgot how awesome it is to help people feel better...i remember that touch is such an important aspect of our life...

congrats to my friends sarah and derek!! they are engaged and i am so happy for them...the good news is that benji and i get to team back up for the wedding gig...he is such a great singer...i hate the fact that he is 10 years younger than i...oh what fun we will have...

huge, huge test en la manana...midterm in the brew...once again, may the tetragrammaton be with us...

communication is forte

i had an interesting conversation with a dear friend of mine today...as we invisioned and described the community in which we live, it was a moment of clarity for me...there are so many different faces and so many different views of the world which play an integral part in the dynamics of how we function together each day...we both agreed this is the biggest key to being excited about our futures together post APTS...

imagining all of us one day as ministers...that no matter the distance, our call to further the kingdom is paramount...to know and believe that each one of us are living into the integrity of our call around the world is enough to make me thankful for this experience...to know what my co-laborers believe and how they will live into that call humbles me...the world does not need a million monicas...the world only has one...the world only has one meredith...only one papps...only one tim...only one derek...only one joseph...only one emily...one bcdees...only one elvis...trust me, be glad that we only have one elvis...

the beauty of this thought rests in the knowledge of us each doing the thing we are called to in the world we live in, no matter if we are world's apart...to remember that our diversities are extraordinary and the world awaits them whether they realize it or not...

once i had a conversation with my friend doug about getting to know another person...why do we always feel that the best foot forward will win the approval of the other and that by exposing the beast in us, we become alarmed of their possible disapproval? we agreed that we should be upfront about our beasts...that way, all alarms are down and the ability to love through it is sincere...call me idealistic, but i think it is a good theory...are we all aware of our beasts? somewhere in my need for approval i averted my ability to share the beasts...steady monica...even the beast in us can be loved...isn't that what happened with God?

i do not know where my world would be without the realness of those around me...a lot less interesting? yes, but so much more less intense and lovely...thank you God for this world i am now living in...

eddie rabbitt + air supply

dear readers:

since i have kicked the "fags"-the early mornings come with ease...and as i enter the gym, there is a myriad of things that fascinate me there...but today, as i heard "i love a rainy night" by the rabbitt, something made me think that this might be a very unique situation...(i think that a lot, but seriously, this counts)...who works out to the rabbitt? usually it is styx, or steely dan- and then to top it off, the love song duo of air supply came on shortly after that with "i'm all out of love"...now, i grew up with these songs on LP...i am beginning to believe that i need some tweaking on the radio dial...there is just something that does not equate here...

i am shortly headed to a place called the "saltlick"...this has one million implications and i do not know where to start...but- with good friends, good beer, good tater salad- it cannot be all that bad...besides, i have the best friends a gal could have... hope all of you have a superb weekend...

ode to "air force one"

my friends, yesterday was a day worth notation...the drinks went well and it is true that wit and sincerity is all you need...post date-dom is again noteworthy and this is where the ode begins...

air force one- you have beckoned me for days
all things have come to a complete hault
the mind is racing and inhabitions are vanishing
what does this mean in the world today, right now?

to all of my friends who were excited for me today, muchas grassy-ass...to those who need a drink date, talk to georgy...to those who are in need of meeting the reverend at the nacho cart, i could hook you up...

and another thing- there was this guy i met in the fallstown at starbucks, who moved to austin and dude, this is a big city- i saw his car at this coffee shop i go to, and look out= he was there!! i was shocked that i even connected him to his car, but to actually see it happen- priceless...there are many things that are meaning something in the world RIGHT NOW...what is going on right now for you? besides reading the blog...i love this stuff...maybe i will have an answer tomorrow...

root experiences

"...it is not proper, however, to begin our study with creation psalms, for the reason that Israel's worship was not grounded primarily in creation faith. Rather, the invocation to worship was based fundamentally upon a 'root experience' of liberation from bondage that was enshrined in the memory of the people. Israel's praise is a reflex to the prior action of God that moves people, as one psalmist testifies, to seek God's face in worship. The prevenience of God's grace , which motivates worship, is beautifully expressed by Augustine at the beginning of his Confessions."

Thou movest us to delight in praising Thee;

for Thou has formed us for Thyself,

and our hearts are restless till they find rest in Thee.

from Out of the Depths:The Psalms Speak for Us Today-B. W. Anderson

i wonder if we have this worship idea all wrong...if creation is not the primary motivation for praise and our "root experience" is something besides liberation from bondage, what is fueling our ideas behind worship? of course, this is just one man's opinion, but i can clearly see what he means...when is worship a reflex for us? for me?

there are many things i would constitute as "root experiences" for me...but one was born out of utter crisis and the deliverance from that situation was one of a sincere reflex of praise for me...God let my reflex in praise today simply be about deliverance...liberation...remembering...rest...Thee...

any 80's love song would describe it...

"there are definitely the days when just as i think i've got at least one thing figured out about you- you go and do the exact opposite of my expectations"...why oh why do i even bother? one of my most excellent friends warns me about expectations..."you should not have them- then, everything turns out to be a pleasant surprise!!" i call that pessimism in its superlative form...he calls it a safe journey...

no patch today...i am like a lab rat at this point...i have replaced unwanted behavior with other stimuli- wake up early-gym...the rest of my day is occupied with foreign language comprehension operations...so far-so good...

i am actually spending my favorite part of the day- happy hour- on wednesday with an unknown person, which is being mediated by my good friend georgy...i am not sure this would qualify as anything formal, but just "drinks"...whatever that means...i plan to take along these things: wit and sincerity...is this enough?

happy hour

usually, everyday about 4:30 or 5 o'clock, i get the hankering for happy hour...today, my happy hour consisted of hebrew pronouns...oh joy...no spirits to go with...only the lovely charts of personal and demonstrative pronouns...don't quit reading yet...

so, seven days down on the smoking thing...i hate the way it smells, but as i sit at the coffee shop and luxuriously inhale my neighbor's exhale- i find peace...snaps to all of my friends who have so beautifully encouraged me by rubbing my lucky patch...pretty soon it will be gone...then i will move on to lucky socks or something that does not contain poison...maybe i will wear fake eyelashes or something...boy this should be fun...

have you ever gotten a sunburn in january? outside of the ski slopes? this is so weird...if this indicative of the summer weather, it is going to be hotter than hades...(or our imaginative hades)

peace to all today...it is the blessed day of sabbath...take a walk tonight...it does not get any better than this...maybe you will have a happy hour too...

deranged evangelists

it all started this summer when a friend told me that pat robertson told a man to divorce his wife over a disagreement about having children...then he said to assasinate the venezuelan dictator...of course, this summer i was convinced that he was definitely smoking crack, but after today's comment about sharon- let's put it this way- my friend, who remains anonymous, shared with me one of the best bumper stickers...and i am personally sending one to the lunatic evangelist via a prophet mail carrier...it says:

"jesus would slap the shit out of you"

friends, this sobers me about many of the things that i feel i might want to take control of...evaluations of others lives, speaking in the tone of "God told me"...basic judgment and condemnation that was never mine to take up and carry out to others...i used to think it might get difficult to live in this world as a believer one day due to influences of the secular means...i never thought that the difficulty would arise from actual christians acting in this fashion...the man has a means to say some incredible things to the world about the grace of God...instead, it becomes a platform speaking in lunacy...

as the world awakens tomorrow, this crap statement will rule and dominate the air waves...it will be a topic around many coffee makers and millions of believers will try to convince those around them that they do not- by any means- agree with the statement made by the man who bears the same name as they do..."christians"

i say all of this knowing full well that my reaction to this situation falls under some category of an angry heart...i am not sure if it falls under righteous judgment or just down right anger...and i am grieving this moment because i know that i am the worst of sinners...if God were to strike us down because of our careless giving away of God's property- what about our bodies? our money? according to the theory proposed by our brother in Christ, the population of the world might be reduced to nil...

i am so thankful that the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting...even on israel- on evangelists- even on the worst of sinners...

the eyes of texas...

as i write, horns are honking, voices are crying out in the darkness, and the tower at UT is shining like a lone beacon in the night...as elvis would say, "it's nice to be in a city that owns a national championship"...people sure know how to celebrate...we've decided it might take days to come off of this high...so be it...

the "brew" is daunting...it takes extreme perserverance just to think through the pronunciation of a word...i love the language though...there is something compelling in the searching out of the words and my favorite is the translation of the biblical text...it makes me sooooo happy...

i imagine a day when prepositions and adverbs will become a reflection in my mind's rearview mirror...at least in hebrew...until then- i will sojourn through the sacred linguistical wilderness of the 'brew'....

floating yods...

the word is out and our section name is "the floating yods"...it does not get better than this...it is only day two of the 'brew' and truly, i am nerding out...who else would even claim a name like this? cheers to fellow 'brew' lovers and may the tetragrammaton help us...

there is a beautiful thing in waking up before the sun rises...since i quit smoking- yes- read it and weep...i have been up early and have enjoyed the beauty of the earth in its waking from slumber...everything is yawning and the sky is still breathing deep...i highly recommend it...

i will take this time to give a shout out to all the loves of my life...it makes the days of this particular part of my journey incredible...

damn...wish i was your lover

for several days, there has been a growing, permeating sense of an almost tangible erotica in the air...it's as if the fever has been born early and for what reason i cannot fathom...people are looking at one another with an altered tone of possiblilities...i am only aware of it because of the vocalization of interest...conversations are saturated with overtones...maybe it is the hybernation phase redressing itself with an early debut...coupling-pairing-encounter-friction...

the geto boys just taught me a few things about encounter...explicit but probably true...thanks elvis...i do not know what to make of all this mis-seasoned encounter...enjoy? question? seek it out? i am anxious to see the resolutions that will emerge with the passing of time...

the 'brew' started today...i am feeling neutral up to this moment...chapel was incredible today...a little sustenance goes a long way...7 loaves fed 5000 people and there were leftovers...12 baskets...what have i to fear?

subtle reminders

as i was waiting for my clothes to wash, i had gone into the lounge to chill and watch a little tube...a friend asked how the "eve" was and i was truly answering fine...low key...whatever...

it wasn't until i saw a champagne bottle on the television- a tunnel of vision took me to a time and place that i was barely remembering...it was just last night...then one by one my friends told me of things i had said or did- that i sincerely was not remembering...this is not my finest moment- but then daisy told me that i did nothing in which to bring shame on my name...i am so thankful for sober people-and their honesty...

it was an awesome night-what i remember of it...i hate it when the night ends with hiccups...somehow we ended up with an entire bottle of crappy champagne and since it was free we decided to partake...dude, do not go underdog on champagne...bad headaches, hiccups...papps said i said "i have to go home- i have the hiccups!" what? my life has been reduced to this small encounter with a diaphragm spasm...

i had more fun today hearing how much fun i had last night then i remembered having last night...i do not think this one of my better moments...but it was a fun moment nonetheless...

cheers to meredith and daisy for the good lip on the ringing in the eve...i can always count on you two...i am on my way to pick elvis up from the airport...we are almost all together again...the 'brew' is calling us all...8:30- i mean really, do they think that anyone can learn an ancient language before two cups of coffee and the today show? we shall see....